How does one go about repairing a relationship? We know how to
repair other “things”, like cars, equipment, house, clothes and
whatnot. The question arises as far as relationship repair is
concerned, is a relationship a “thing”? As I mentioned in my
previous posts, relationship, although a noun, should not be
treated as a thing but as a verb, or as an action, if we want to have
any hope in our quest for relationship repair.
So, in this context we will treat relationship repair as an
action since it is a verb. Action, on whose part? Who takes the action
and what would the action consist of?
From our point of view, if only our partner would change his or her
ways everything would be just fine “as before” and relationship
repair would be complete. Unfortunately, that is only our “point of
view”. The problem with our point of view is that from that point we
see all other points but our own. We are blind to it, because we have
so much invested in it that we take it for granted that it is as real
as it can get. Our point of view is the only reality we are aware of.
Our relationship and our partner occur to us a certain way, which
is only real to us, and is the only reality we accept. Any other point
of view when different from ours, is simply not correct, not true
and WRONG. Therefore, in our attempt to
repair a relationship we always look to the other side to change
his/her behavior and their point of view to coincide with our own and
to take this crucial action that would make everything OK
so that relationship repair can take place. Although repairing a
relationship may be much easier that way, it rarely works and we
know it. Trying to change others is a fruitless endeavor for the
same reason I mentioned before: “others” have their own “point of
view” and if you think that the way you see the situation occurs
better to them then their own view, think again. You cannot change
other people! The sooner you accept it the sooner you will be able to
proceed to a relationship repair stage.
As we are looking for the alternative to changing others it
would be good to notice that what we call “relating to others”
usually consists of reacting to each other. If that is so and if you
cannot change your partner what is left to do is that you change your
point of view. The first step is admitting that you have one. Whether
you think that your world-view, your opinion of how things are and
your point of view are the correct ones or not is beside the point. If
you want to engage into the process of relationship repair you must
look at your own behavior, which is usually in your blind spot – you
do not know how you occur to others – and realize that your partner
is reacting to your behavior therefore creating the conflict and
disruption of your relationship. Take note, this is not an
opportunity to blame yourself or start thinking that it is all your
fault. There is no blame in this process only responsibility to
claim, which is the first step to true empowerment and an
opportunity to take the situation into your own hands towards
complete relationship repair. If you change your behavior, your
partner shall react to that. Now you are in charge. Good luck.
The whole process is dealt with in The Relationship Saver and expanded upon in The Gameless Relationship.
Comments and questions are welcomed.