Do women have an ulterior motive when they start a relationship?
Oh, yes they do! Now, let’s see how this works. I understand that
it is a generalization, but we are generally either men or women,
so this would apply to all of us to a larger or smaller degree whether
we are aware of it or not.
Everyone knows what a man’s agenda is, at least at the beginning
of a “romantic” relationship. It’s sex, loud and clear. We men of
course will not admit it out loud, but that’s what we dream of when we
encounter a woman we “like”. Women know that as well and they use it,
consciously or not, to attract men. So, now women know what we want,
but are we men aware of what and if women want something from us.
Generally speaking, yes, unless we get “romantically” involved,
i.e., fall in love. At that point we’d like to think that we swept them
off their feet. In other words, we prefer to be blind and have our
ego take over. We like to think that a woman was attracted to us for
who we are, because of our personality, because we are funny,
well-built, macho, smart, intelligent, good looking, etc. Usually
nothing can be further from the truth.
Our agenda when we meet a woman we are attracted to is sex; women’s
agenda — whether they know it or not – is a committed relationship
leading to marriage. Women don’t date, only men do. That
all-encompassing motive may have any one of many sub-motives, including:
- Wanting to be rescued from a frustrating life situation
- Wanting to get away from controlling parents or a dissatisfying relationship with a man.
- Wanting to be taken care of, financially and/or emotionally,
specifically, wanting someone to protect her from the things that
she fears. Those may include being alone and being responsible for
herself, making decisions, dealing with money matters, or dealing
with the everyday stresses and conflicts of life.
- Wanting to be validated as lovable and attractive.
- Wanting a baby.
Just as a man transforms a woman into an object when it comes to
his dreams about sex, so does a woman unconsciously transform the man
into an object. She is attracted to him for his potential function in
her life, a motive she will deny because she wants to believe that her
motive is pure love. Her denial is no different from a man’s denial
when he says, “I really do love you. I’m not just after sex.”
In my experience most of the relationships that fall apart
started with “love” of this sort: blindness or the denial of real
reasons and agendas most likely were at work at the time. Just by
looking at how relationships started one can pretty much predict
how they will end if there were no personal development work
involved i.e., if the awareness level has not been raised and each
person came to grips with reality. Relationships that start with
such infatuation usually start disintegrating as soon as the
original needs and motives for starting the relationship have been
realized. The reason for “loving” has dissipated and the man
becomes just another annoying person with all his positive
characteristics which were the original reason for entering
into a relationship with him turning into faults. His being strong
and tough becomes a bully and insensitive, being successful into
“never spending enough time with the family”, being funny into always
telling crude jokes, etc. This is not to say that men have no part to
play in these dynamics.
Men are equally responsible because of their resistance to
looking at the true nature of the relationship in the first place,
along with the need to believe the unbelievable – namely, that they
are irresistibly lovable just for being themselves.
The inherent reason for such automatic behavior on both sides is
well explained in The Gameless Relationship so I’m not going to
repeat it here. Suffice it to say that 15,000 years of living in
survival mode have created deep roots in our way of thinking and
dealing with realities, that we most of the time operate on
automatic and rarely stop to smell the roses and attempt to be
authentic because being authentic, although seemingly dangerous at
times, will not summon a saber tooth tiger to threaten our very life.
Relationships that start with a healthy attitude and genuine love – which is often confused with “being IN
love” – have a much better chance of survival. Maybe there is
something to be said in favor of “arranged” marriages, but I’ll leave
that subject for future articles.
Love to all,