I will admit that cyber cruising has its plusses. I can peruse men from the comfort of my couch in my PJ’s while sporting a moustache and goatee made entirely of depilatory cream. And I can actually afford the wine I’m drinking. I just wish there wasn’t so much work involved in setting up the profile. And I wish I knew which tact to take when writing the darn thing. Should I be myself: clever and witty, intelligent and urbane? Should I wax poetic about walks on the beach and fireside chats? Or should I just try to sound like a normal person who won’t scare away potential dates in under thirty seconds? You can melt a block of Velveeta in that amount of time, which is a pathetic standard against which to measure my chances, but that’s probably the time frame in which I have to work. Cyber daters, I have discovered, will not necessarily be on the lookout for substance; it’s all about whether or not you take a good picture. So maybe it doesn’t really matter what I say. Maybe I should just throw caution to the wind and say what I really mean. Because after all, I am getting too old to play games and I think a posting like the following would definitely separate the men from the boys.
I am a once burned but not shy divorcee. You love dogs, hate to witness injustice and your teeth are all your own. You meet me for the first time wearing socks that match and clothes that don’t look like they were rescued from the hamper in the nick of time (or so you think). You can complete a sentence, put two and two together and man do you make me laugh. Nobody calls you Bubba, Tad or Junior (I live in the South; feel free to substitute any regional nickname here that you find equally offensive) and you are tall enough to ride this ride. Without asking, you understand my every thought, wish and desire and know how to fulfill every one. You eat quiche, are not overly obsessed with sports and you’re not afraid to ask for directions. And you are a really good kisser.
If this sounds like you, I will be thoroughly amazed that you are real, alive and reading this posting. Call me. Immediately! But please be prepared to show me three forms of picture I.D. so I know that you are for real.