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Is It Over? 8 Questions To Ask Yourself BEFORE You Call It Quits

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Yes, you may have problems. Does that mean divorce is the ONLY answer?

How do you know when your marriage is over? It's a question that rings through divorce counselor office and Internet searches day in and day out.

Many experts and couples themselves (and maybe even you) think that it is possible for couples to simply grow apart. That alone is a valid reason for divorce. It makes sense why your would think that there is no point to stay in relationship. After all, their marriage feels lifeless, boring, maybe your spouse is holding them back from a better life.

But what are the REAL reasons you know your marriage is over? Are there any definitive signs? The answer is: Yes.

Here are 8 questions that prove whether you should (or shouldn't) get a divorce:

1. Does every situation, no matter how seemingly trivial, evolve into a fight?

Just because you are constantly bickering does not mean that your marriage is over! Couples come into our office all the time, with communication problems, and they learn effective tools to deal with their differences.

Arguments are NEVER a reason to end a marriage. Arguments over lack of trust, lies or deception? Those might be deeper issues.

2. Do you or your spouse constantly refer to hurtful events in the past?

There's always hurt between spouses, that's something we can speak to easily. And until you work to heal it, it’s going to keep being brought up!

Reason to divorce? No. Work on healing the hurt first, until you're to a point where you can finally put it in the past.

3. Is all the respect gone from your relationship, with no hope of return?

When a relationship is left to flounder on its own, respect can erode. Each spouse is totally disconnected from the other, so it’s no wonder if they sometimes act like a “fish out of water”.

For instance, if your husband made bad investment choices, it makes sense why you might be scared about your financial future due to your husband’s decisions, but people make mistakes and the disconnect between the two of you is not going to foster smart decision-making.

Don’t throw away a relationship over one disconnect to resolve with better communication.

4. Have your goals and directions changed; whereas, your partner’s have stayed the same? (Or vice versa.)

It's incredibly frustrating when you feel that you’ve changed and your spouse hasn’t. However, part of being a growing person is to have compassion for another.

If you can have compassion for someone who's not as “advanced” as you are, that is a sign of true growth.

5. Has your partner stopped supporting your individual growth?

Your individual growth is YOUR responsibility. What exactly is he/she doing to PREVENT you from pursuing the growth that you need? Maybe your growth is dealing with your partner and dealing with his/her difficulties and being patient.

You agreed for better or for worse, right? That means your lives are intertwined. You don't hold each other back and you take responsibility for yourselves.

6. Have you and your partner both changed so much that you no longer share moral, ethical, or lifestyle values?

That's a bit of a trickier challenge, but it’s something that you need to discuss with each other. It's not all or nothing. Look for other ways to connect as long as your partner’s new values don’t condone relationship harming behavior such as infidelity or the like.

Abuse, infidelity or addiction are not changes or differences in lifestyle. They're serious and damaging and can't be excused.

7. Have you and your spouse lost the art of compromise?

This is something to learn. Learning how to work out differences is a learned skill that couples don’t necessarily know how to do.

The fact that you can’t do it doesn’t mean it is time to end your marriage. Learn how to forge a path that is better for the two of you, as partners. It's a valuable skill.

8. Do you and your spouse lack basic sexual compatibility?

Lack of intimacy and a sexless marriage is a problem indicative of a greater issue in the relationship. It’s important to explore why that is the case. Sometimes working on the marriage with help increase your interest in each other and help you fall in love again.

If you’re asking yourself, How do you know when your marriage is over? like so many are, ask yourself whether you’ve really pursued qualified professional marriage counseling that works.

Marriage counseling can heal a lot of the issues that you may think are reasons for terminating your relationship. And if you’re not sure, please don’t hesitate to contact us, we’d be more than happy to help you get your relationship back on track.

This article was originally published at The Marriage Restoration Project Blog. Reprinted with permission from the author.


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