I Love You. Now Change.

By

I Love You.  Now Change.
Do the qualities that first drew you to your mate now drive you crazy? Read and learn how to cope.

 

This guest article from Psych Central was written by Nadia Persun, Ph.D.

She married him because he was hardworking. She was considering divorce because he turned out to be a workaholic who was barely ever home. She loved his smile and sense of humor. Now she was blaming him for being bitter and sarcastic.

She appreciated his easygoing nature and laidback demeanor. It was maddening to her now that he would rather watch TV than talk to her about their relationship, that he did not help her to keep their house clean, and that he missed their bill payment deadlines on more than one occasion.

He married her because she was open with her feelings and straightforward about expressing her opinions. He now was irritated with her level of complaining, her blunt way of pointing out his mistakes and being overly focused on things that he considered small and unworthy of notice.

He once loved spending time with her and telling her his deeper thoughts and feelings. He now was quietly terrified to bring up any issue of relative personal importance, as her tongue became sharp as a knife when it came to judging him. He would rather spend his after-work hours watching TV and working on his car in the garage over the weekends.

She felt unhappy, lonely, misunderstood, and rejected. He felt hurt, criticized, unloved, and taken for granted. They both desperately yearned for love, respect, and appreciation, wanting nothing more but a hug. Unfortunately, their wicked way of negotiating their needs and expressing desires made them both decidedly unhuggable. With perpetuating resentment and increasing distance, they were heading for a destination called Splitsville. What has happened to this couple, so connected and loving only a few years ago, promising to each other with eagerness to love “till death do us part”?

When Relationships Sink Into Resentment

Ironically, the qualities that initially cause love and attachment may, over time, morph into resentment and contempt. At the beginning of the relationship, our mindset is on building closeness. We focus on cooperating and seeking agreement. Over time, unfortunately, there is a shift in focus. Not because our partners change drastically and deteriorate in character as time goes by, but because we no longer notice what they do well. Such things become like air or water: much needed but taken for granted. We begin paying more attention to shortcomings. The focus perpetuates its motion: The more we zone in on the problematic habits and behaviors of another person, the more evidence of this sort we gather.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

John M. Grohol

Psychologist

Dr. John Grohol is a mental health expert and founder of Psych Central. He has been writing about online behavior, mental health and psychology issues, and the intersection of technology and psychology since 1992.

Location: Newburyport, MA
Credentials: PsyD
Website: PsychCentral
Other Articles/News by John M. Grohol:

How to Fight With Your Partner

By

In a healthy relationship, fights are going to happen.  (Often, a complete absence of fights is a sign partners have become irrevocably disconnected.)  So the goal isn’t to eradicate all fights; it’s to make sure you’re fighting well. What I mean is, a good fight is one that’s productive: grievances are aired, resentments ... Read more

Help! I Think I'm Falling Out Of Love With My Partner!

By

You'll hear many people say "we just aren't 'in love' with each other anymore." But, relationships don't naturally fall apart, according to Susan Orenstein, a licensed psychologist and relationship expert in Cary, NC. Other reasons often underlie a relationship's breakdown. Below you'll find these common reasons, along with ... Read more

Does Your Relationship Lack Romance?

By

Couples often tell us that they have lost the magical feeling they once knew in their relationship. They want to reclaim the romantic charge that they once shared during the early days of their relationship. Most of us will recall those early years as emotionally challenging and spiritually draining but full of tremendous personal and romantic rewards. In ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Most Popular