It's OK to be naughty.
How long should you wait in a new relationship to share a sexual fantasy with your lover? According to a recent Durex survey, men say they want to share fantasies as soon as possible — within the first three months of a relationship.
The women surveyed chose to wait a little longer to share their fantasy, reporting taking six months to a year of a relationship as enough time to build the trust to have the intimate conversation about fantasies.
Looking to do the same in your relationship? Here are some tips to get you started.
1. Be open to being vulnerable.
There's a lot to gain from talking to your lover about your fantasies. Only by getting vulnerable and revealing your true erotic self will you ever have the sex life you really want. Your sexual fantasies reveal your inner workings as a sexual being: what turns you on, what you find thrilling, what you want to experience.
2. Know the difference between fantasy and desire.
As you think about sharing a fantasy, maintain a strict boundary between fantasy and desire. Fantasy is the realm where anything is possible, the realm of your erotic imagination. Desires, on the other hand, are what you want more of in your actual sex life.
By maintaining this boundary, you can be free to discuss your fantasies without having to worry about what it “means” about you as a person. You can be honest as you share your fantasies and really let your lover get a glimpse of who you are as a sexual being.
From there, you can start determining what you desire as real experiences. If, for example, you fantasize about being abducted by a stranger and sexually ravished, you probably don’t want that to happen in real life. But you may have very real desires for more forceful, rough sex.
3. Tap into your imagination.
Once you can name your specific desires, you’ll be much more likely to actively explore and bring these desires to life. If you fantasize about being in charge and taking control in the bedroom, you can take very real steps to gain more confidence so you can be the boss in bed once in awhile.
Your erotic imagination is the most reliable source of information when it comes to creating a fulfilling sex life. What do you really want? What do you want to experience in your sex life? To share a fantasy with your lover is revealing your most intimate thoughts. To share desires with your lover creates the potential of sharing a much more creative and exciting sex life.
4. Open the conversation.
When you feel like the time is right, go on a special date night or cook a good meal at home. Talk to your lover about the idea that fantasies are distinct from desires, and remind them that if either one of you shares a fantasy, you aren't necessarily asking to try it out; rather, you're revealing your thoughts and emotions and deepening your intimacy.
Then take turns sharing a fantasy and discussing your desires. Go deeper to determine what elements of that fantasy you really want to experience. Take turns, and as each one of you shares a fantasy, make sure to stay open-minded and compassionate. Hear one another out about what that fantasy means to you, which parts are most exciting, and where the line between fantasy and desire is.
Sharing fantasies is intimidating partly because we fear being judged. But no one judges people who love horror movies — that's a fantasy, too, a way of enjoying wild possibilities in the safety of the imagination. Sexual fantasies have no limits and no repercussions; they exist only in your erotic imagination.
If you can freely share sexual fantasies and then communicate about your desires, you’ll be well on your way to enjoying a sex life that's extremely satisfying, intimate and exciting.
Whether you wait a few months or a full year before getting real about your sexual fantasies, make sure you're getting in touch with your own erotic imagination so you know what to ask for when you finally take that step. Only by being honest with yourself about your most authentic desires will you be able to create the sex life you want with your lover.