Defining the Boundary Between Fantasy and Desire
When it comes to sex, a realistic boundary between what is best left to fantasy alone is essential. This boundary is what allows you to have an active erotic imagination while also having a safe, fulfilling and legal sex life. For example, many people fantasize about public sex. The idea of being sexual in a crowded place, with the thrill of discovery and the rush of adrenaline is a very tempting fantasy. As a reality, it is one of the highest risk activities out there. Getting caught having sex in public puts you at risk of being labeled a sex offender - which comes with the very real repercussions of jail time, losing your job and a lifetime of being publicly listed as a sex criminal. Not very hot, huh? We cringe when we read sloppy sex advice that says things like “Spice up your sex life! Have sex in a public place!” This is an area where you can have very active and detailed fantasies about sex in public and be totally safe - but you must proceed with extreme caution if you want “sex in public” to be a desire you actually want to fulfill.
An active exploration of both Fantasy and Desire is absolutely critical for a fulfilling sex life. In Fantasy, you can freely explore without consequences, noticing your reactions and responses to a huge range of possibility. Then, you can name your Desires, the specifics about what you want more of in your actual life, and begin seeking out their fulfillment. Without permission to Fantasize, our Desires become very thin or non-existent. So many people we talk to say things like “I don’t even know what I want” or “I have no desires whatsoever.” We are willing to call that bluff, and invite those folks and everyone else into the rich territory of their erotic imagination, into the realm of Fantasy. Everyone has Desires - they just may be hibernating or hiding out. With an active exploration of your Fantasies, you can wake up your dormant Desires and suddenly your erotic life becomes much more vibrant and much, much more satisfying. Learning to differentiate the two is the first huge step in figuring out what you really want - and how to get it.
This article is adapted from The Fantasy Method: How To Discover Your Authentic Sexual Desires and Create a Fulfilling Sex Life by The Pleasure Mechanics, available exclusively through Amazon.com
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