Happy is Sexy

Happy is Sexy

What exactly makes someone sexy? Many people will look to the physical for that answer. They will look to see a style, a body type, a hair color, skin type, type of car, home, clothing, level of success etc. At first, all of this is sexy. We view sexy as being an external world characteristic. I agree, first impression and attraction preferences are a part of it, and also necessary—in the beginning.

For so many couples what attracted them to each other in the beginning loses its luster over time. Lets be honest, you look at the same person day after day, they look the same, act the same, smell the same, have sex the same way, dress the same, have the same conversations over and over and it is no longer exciting. Familiarity breeds contempt and/or boredom. Do we become too familiar to our partners over time? Yes!! I would say most of us do. When this happens we become rather like siblings than sexual enticers or seducers. I see many couples who are excited about each other when they are girlfriend/boyfriend, even when they are fiancé’s, but when marriage takes place and they become a legalized “we” it often falls into familiarity, boredom and emptiness.
The “we” becomes a place of bartering, tit-for-tat chatter, and telling the other what to do, how to live, how to be, what to wear, what to eat, how to spend their money and what to think.

Not sexy!

What keeps the ‘sexy’ alive? I can give you one fact. Happy is sexy. If we look to our partner to make us happy that makes us needy. Neediness is not sexy. When we are not married we still consider ourselves separate (by law), but that does do something to the brain. If we have any sense of separateness we are unconsciously more inclined to have a part of us still living for ourselves. Often when we get married we live for the other and want the other to live for us. Big mistake. Then what we have is two unhappy, resentful people blaming the other for not doing ‘their part’ to make us happy. Where is it written that when we get married we stop living for the self and we have to start living for the other?

No one can make us happier than we make ourselves, so why do we hand this precious job to someone else? This does not make sense. To be needy and complaining, or bossy demanding and argumentative is anti-seductive. We become unhappy that our partners are not the perfect versions of the “happy-makers” we think they should be and we show our unhappiness in every way that is ugly. We walk around with Charlie Brown shoulders complaining to friends that he/she no longer makes us happy, we say unkind things, fight over stupid things, and have disagreements over all things. With this kind of turmoil why would anyone want to get in bed with their partners? People who are in conflict do not want to touch each other. Who wants to touch someone they don’t like?