Sometimes, bringing your old angers into your new relationship can be a good thing.
Bringing your pre-relationship Anger ‘luggage' into your marriage can sometimes be a positive thing, believe it or not.
Have you noticed, everyone is becoming edgier, crankier?
Lately, I have been noticing at an alarming rate of increase, people around me, on the streets, driving, standing on line getting coffee, are short fused.
Say ‘good-bye' to common courtesy, being polite, or, being appropriate in public.
Remember Peter Finch's line from the film Network? "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.”
What I am witnessing is, people are angry.
They are not getting their needs met. They are drifting, going off track, and expressing their anger in direct or disguised ways.
We find ourselves making excuses for not staying on track, not completing routine tasks, rationalizing being un-focused. And, putting it all off until tomorrow but of course tomorrow never arrives.
The upside of drifting away from what you thought you loved, is, you get a chance to express what you think is dis-enchantment, disappointment, hopelessness…and my ‘favorite' tell tale sign: emotional deadness.
So many people walk around with feelings that they ascribe to as depression, which emotional deadness is part of, but as we dig deeper, we see our sense of powerlessness…and the real culprit ANGER. Ah!!
Why having that drifting away be beneficial is: You get a chance to see a perspective, distorted as it may be, that when it ‘snaps back'
(as author, Susan Piver says). You appreciate it more, have deeper feelings and a huge relief that you have the power of choice. You can control what you think, how you feel.
On a simplistic level, anger is the result of not getting our needs met or when another has crossed our boundaries.
In some cases, when we bring our childhood angers in our adult relationships, we get a chance to share those intimate pains with the person closest to us and give our partners a chance to help us heal. The negative pieces of our lives make us part of something that is bigger, make us human with warts, blemishes and frailties.
The deep bond you have created with your mate always needs ‘new' material to keep it vibrant and dynamic; this explains why some couples are still in love ‘till death do ye part;' they keep the relationship real and current. This is why in part, I believe the divorce rate is so high; people never share their true self with their spouse, it’s too scary.
Years ago I borrowed the color alert system from Homeland Security and still teach it as a tool of awareness; blue: everything is honkey dory. The energy is calm (even if we are dancing our hearts out) and everyone is in a ‘good' mood.
But, there comes a subtle shift. Enough to notice if one is paying attention to themselves or others. This is why being present is so critical to feeling in control; one can sense the shift from Blue to Yellow, even with those around you.
Then, the yellow starts to turn orange because no one is paying attention, even you, and of course the next stage is Red, which is meltdown time, and the person explodes.
We learn how to suppress our anger early in our childhoods from the time we exit the womb. How our caregivers responded to our cries sent us a message, and because we were so dependent on others to take care of us, we shifted from being authentic, to being adaptive in order to survive.
That ‘track' of adaptation as I call it, will carry us into adulthood and even to our grave, if we ignore it. We will not have the control; those childhood feelings run the adapted track, they will have the control.
The secret to re-gaining control is: change your perspective. Your identity is based upon your feelings. If you are angry, never ignore it, never feel guilty about those feelings, and never diminish them. But, do give them space to breathe, do apply the accurate language (feeling powerless, resentful, dis-respected, feeling left out, etc).
Taking actions to remedy those feelings so that you can move on, might take minutes, hours, even days as you mull over the best course of action.
A Buddhist wrote: "You cannot see your reflection in moving water.” And, if you add that to Einstein's profound statement of: "The side of your brain that created the problem is not the same side to fix the problem," you start to see that taking a different perspective gives permission to view the problems or the feelings from a fresh view. Your authentic track not your adapted track, made the choice to gain control by shifting the your perspective.
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