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How SHAME Separates Being Known And Fear Of Judgment


How SHAME Separates Being Known And Fear Of Judgment
Shame can often hold us back from new opportunities. Learn how to be yourself and not feel guilty.

All of us have walked this path: We meet who we think might be ‘the one’ and we are drawn into the desire to be known, warts and all.

But, we hold back and temper our needs; SHAME often bridles our conversations and we struggle with revealing too much, too soon.  Tempting as it is, we try to be in the moment but as the questions start, we find ourselves dancing with coy answers trying to get a ‘reading’ on how the other person is feeling about this new bit of information. We ‘read’ his facial expression, his behaviors. 

More from YourTango: SHAME Can Be The Portal To Intimacy In Your Relationship

Excited and weary simultaneously; excited we might actually get our needs met and weary that we have been down this path many a time and have come up empty handed. 

How do we share our shame about our finances without alienating him? How big a breath do we need to inhale to carry us over that threshold?   Do we ask covert questions of him to see what his financial situation really is? 

How do we respond when he mentions one of his non-negotiables is women with messy financials or a lot of debt?

If things are going well and progressing, do we tell him before we sleep together or after, that we have a lot of debt?  

I have had clients who never spoke about money until they were way past the altar and onto having their second child…it was not a pretty sight; the fighting and tension constantly under the surface got transmitted to the children, creating yet more insecurity, breeding a widening of a lack of trust. 

Many people talk about transparency and trust and then turn around and do the opposite. Their lack of self-trust controls how they experience others and the decisions they make. 

As hard as staying present and in the moment can be, that turns out to be the safest place and the expectations and fears we have about the future need to stay outside of the moment.  

Sharing your truths about your financials is more appropriate as you decide ‘this-is-the-one’.  Unless you are just looking to have fun, have zero expectations other than a good time, and have no need to do an inventory on him.

Keep it light and be in the moment, and be yourself.

More from YourTango: Financial Infidelity: 5 Steps To Coming Clean


For a free PDF of my book, check out my website, www.thefinancialwhisperer.com  Sign up for my blog/newsletter and send me an e-mail with "TANGO" in the subject line, and we'll send you back the book.

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Pegi Burdick

Money Coach

Pegi Burdick

The Financial Whisperer® Untangling Your Money From Your Emotions

Check out my book:  It's NEVER about the Money...even when it is

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Empowering Women, Financial Stress, Life Management
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