50 Things You Should Try For Hotter Sex
ProConnect

How SHAME Separates Being Known And Fear Of Judgment

By

How SHAME Separates Being Known And Fear Of Judgment
Shame can often hold us back from new opportunities. Learn how to be yourself and not feel guilty.

All of us have walked this path: We meet who we think might be ‘the one’ and we are drawn into the desire to be known, warts and all.

But, we hold back and temper our needs; SHAME often bridles our conversations and we struggle with revealing too much, too soon.  Tempting as it is, we try to be in the moment but as the questions start, we find ourselves dancing with coy answers trying to get a ‘reading’ on how the other person is feeling about this new bit of information. We ‘read’ his facial expression, his behaviors. 

More from YourTango: SHAME Can Be The Portal To Intimacy In Your Relationship

Excited and weary simultaneously; excited we might actually get our needs met and weary that we have been down this path many a time and have come up empty handed. 

How do we share our shame about our finances without alienating him? How big a breath do we need to inhale to carry us over that threshold?   Do we ask covert questions of him to see what his financial situation really is? 

How do we respond when he mentions one of his non-negotiables is women with messy financials or a lot of debt?


If things are going well and progressing, do we tell him before we sleep together or after, that we have a lot of debt?  

I have had clients who never spoke about money until they were way past the altar and onto having their second child…it was not a pretty sight; the fighting and tension constantly under the surface got transmitted to the children, creating yet more insecurity, breeding a widening of a lack of trust. 

Many people talk about transparency and trust and then turn around and do the opposite. Their lack of self-trust controls how they experience others and the decisions they make. 

As hard as staying present and in the moment can be, that turns out to be the safest place and the expectations and fears we have about the future need to stay outside of the moment.  

Sharing your truths about your financials is more appropriate as you decide ‘this-is-the-one’.  Unless you are just looking to have fun, have zero expectations other than a good time, and have no need to do an inventory on him.


Keep it light and be in the moment, and be yourself.

More from YourTango: Financial Infidelity: 5 Steps To Coming Clean

 

For a free PDF of my book, check out my website, www.thefinancialwhisperer.com  Sign up for my blog/newsletter and send me an e-mail with "TANGO" in the subject line, and we'll send you back the book.

More relationship advice from YourTango

 

 

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Pegi Burdick

Money Coach

Pegi Burdick

The Financial Whisperer® Untangling Your Money From Your Emotions

Check out my book:  It's NEVER about the Money...even when it is

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Empowering Women, Financial Stress, Life Management
Other Articles/News by Pegi Burdick:

You And Your Financial Secrets: Why Faking It Won't Work Anymore

By

One of the benefits of having a pre-martial chat about money is that one walks into the commitment feeling 'clean'; no secrets, no worrying at 3AM because you have debts you never told your partner about and they are looming up. Money issues bring up a wheel barrel of issues including shame, fear and isolation — the trifecta of ... Read more

The Upside Of Anger

By

Bringing your pre-relationship Anger ‘luggage' into your marriage can sometimes be a positive thing, believe it or not. Have you noticed, everyone is becoming edgier, crankier? Lately, I have been noticing at an alarming rate of increase, people around me, on the streets, driving, standing on line getting coffee, are short fused. Say ... Read more

Is Your Emotional Isolation Destroying Your Relationship?

By

People often confuse loneliness with isolation. When pressed, most people struggle with the difference and end up asking me to explain. There are three levels of isolation. They are:  People are physically separated or have minimal contact with others. People interact on a more personal level i.e. the workplace. There is a familiarity, maybe ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
fishing

Single & Fishing For Love? Here's How You Can Rock The Pond

It's time for you to FISH with the hooks and bait that will bring you everlasting happiness.

Sad Dude

Is Being Scared To Be Alone Keeping You in Bad Relationships?

Getting comfortable with yourself will help you pick better and stop tolerating being treated badly.

Brain

Is this habit robbing you of a happy life?

Have you ever done that? Before giving someone or something a chance gone straight into judgment?

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS