Can Secrets Ever Be Good For A Relationship


Can Secrets Ever Be Good For A Relationship
What you hide in your relationship can hurt you

Financial secrets in a relationship are the most common and the hardest to overcome.  Relationships are complicated on a good day; on a bad day, they can feel like 3 level tic-tac-toe while skate boarding. Roller coasters are easy compared to the highs and lows of what can go on in a relationship.  

Sometimes, both parties feel as if their needs are at cross-purposes and there is no easy solution in sight. Communication breaks down, no one seems to be in control, no one has a perspective, no one is steering the ship. Yikes!!  Then add secrets. KA-BOOM! An accident waiting to happen.  

More from YourTango: You And Your Financial Secrets: Why Faking It Won't Work Anymore

Why do we have secrets?  If the primary drive in all species is survival, warmth and closeness, and humans then add acceptance to that drive, it would then follow that: tampering with acceptance holds a lot of negative energy. To say something that might create rejection becomes the playground for shame. Lose lips sink ships.  

Typically, if we have a secret, regardless of it’s content, we will put more energy, consciously or not, into guarding it rather than sharing it, letting go of it, using it for an opportunity for intimacy and closeness.  When we add financial issues to our ‘secret room’, the guarding of that will result in behaviors that feel unnatural. Yet, we justify the behaviors and hope no one challenges us.  

More from YourTango: The Upside Of Anger

And, the irony becomes: when we uncover our partner doing the same, we become outraged and indignant. Hmmmm.  There is no upside, no positive outcome when we keep secrets in our relationships, it just breeds distance.


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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Pegi Burdick

Money Coach

Pegi Burdick

The Financial Whisperer® Untangling Your Money From Your Emotions

Check out my book:  It's NEVER about the Money...even when it is

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Empowering Women, Financial Stress, Life Management
Other Articles/News by Pegi Burdick:

You And Your Financial Secrets: Why Faking It Won't Work Anymore


One of the benefits of having a pre-martial chat about money is that one walks into the commitment feeling 'clean'; no secrets, no worrying at 3AM because you have debts you never told your partner about and they are looming up. Money issues bring up a wheel barrel of issues including shame, fear and isolation — the trifecta of ... Read more

The Upside Of Anger


Bringing your pre-relationship Anger ‘luggage' into your marriage can sometimes be a positive thing, believe it or not. Have you noticed, everyone is becoming edgier, crankier? Lately, I have been noticing at an alarming rate of increase, people around me, on the streets, driving, standing on line getting coffee, are short fused. Say ... Read more

Is Your Emotional Isolation Destroying Your Relationship?


People often confuse loneliness with isolation. When pressed, most people struggle with the difference and end up asking me to explain. There are three levels of isolation. They are:  People are physically separated or have minimal contact with others. People interact on a more personal level i.e. the workplace. There is a familiarity, maybe ... Read more

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