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Do you need to watch your back with your BFF?
By Paula Mooney — Last updated on Feb 21, 2023
You may seem like two peas in a pod, but if lately, your "bestie" feels more akin to your "worstie," it could be time to examine the relationship closer and take a pause.
If you're not sure how to know the difference, take heart. There are a few ways to spot behavior associated with jealous, unhealthy friendships — and protect yourself from the surreptitious scheming of "frenemies."
Here are five instant ways to tell if your best friend is actually your secret 'frenemy':
1. You catch her lying more than once
No, you’re not crazy. If you keep noticing little inconsistencies in the stories she’s told you over the years without valid explanations, there could be a deeper reason for the lies.
She’s trying to rewrite history or make herself look better. Either way, watch out because honest friendships don’t need the baggage of untruths.
2. Her actions reflect envy and jealousy
She might claim that she only wants the best for you but take a step back if her actions reveal she covets everything from your figure to your clothing or personality.
As long as you’re not flaunting your beauty in front of her and have tried to help her step up her game in every way you can, there’s no reason to apologize for being yourself.
3. She is consistently passive-aggressive
Everyone expects a controlling and manipulative person to be loud and brash — and sometimes they do come wrapped exactly that way.
But other control freaks, the subtler and more covert ones, dress up their controlling mannerisms in actions that are disguised as niceties.
Does she like to "surprise" you with unannounced visits or press you to immediately return her text messages when yours to her can go days unanswered?
These are also means of control that prove a person feels their needs are more valid than your own.
4. Drama swirls around her life — and she’s hot and cold toward you
Every relationship has its ups and downs, but if many of your conversations with your friend center around her life, her needs and her drama, the relationship could be imbalanced.
If you find yourself spending hours upon hours listening and offering advice — words of wisdom that are later used against you by a person who is easily offended and manipulates your words and intentions — recognize that your time might be best spent elsewhere, improving your own life.
One day she’s as close as a sister and the next day she barely wants to speak to you because of some unspoken slight.
All of that energy can be refocused and put to better purposes.
5. She won't admit her behavior is suspect
It could be a friendship worth salvaging, or maybe the union has run its course.
Make sure to listen to your "icky" feelings about any problems in the friendship and when the time is right, attempt to talk things over honestly and openly.
Listen to any constructive criticism for ways you can improve, but if your BFF isn’t willing to admit her part in the melee and offer any true change in behavior, it could mean that the friendship season is over.
If so, celebrate any good times and pray about whether the super-close friendship merely needs to transition to a more casual acquaintanceship.
In the end, although you may have landed in an emotionally manipulative relationship because you were vulnerable, wanted companionship — or didn’t recognize that unions between girlfriends can be just as volatile as married couples’ — it doesn’t mean you have to stay one more day in a soured friendship.
Take the bold step of knowing that none of us needs another human being to complete us — especially not one with their own selfish or destructive interests at heart, even if they don’t fully realize the depth of their actions and emotions.
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Paula Mooney is a writer whose essays and articles have been featured in national print magazines such as Writer's Digest, and in major online publications like Yahoo, Examiner, and more.