The question remains how to have exciting sex in weathered, monogamous marriage without “Cheating”. I tell my story in “Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow got Home in Time to Cook Dinner” (Rodale 2011). But the telling of that story about how I explored my sexuality with paid hands on practitioners – made more people uncomfortable than if I was having an affair with my next door neighbor! I agree with Erica Jong on the point that female sexuality is still full of taboo. What is good for the gander is not good for the goose – and mainstream media conspires to help keep us boxed up and quiet.
Male sexual enhancement products such as Viagra can show up in commercials during the super bowl but Zestra a female arousal gel gets air time at 1am in the morning. Men can pay for sex and we can read all about it – everywhere. A women paying for hands on touch? You can only see that on HBO “Hung” because that is best kept to fiction. Women do get punished for being sexually open all the time – the rules are not the same. But I speak to women every day in my sex coaching practice who are breaking the rules and keeping it sub rosa. But just because it is below the surface – doesn’t mean that it is not happening.
I don’t believe as Ms. Jong contends that “Sexual passion is on life support”. I just think that biology is a cruel task master – keeping many young women focused on babies, home and hearth until that job is done. But once it is done – like me, and so many women that I know – they literally ache for something more. And that is when marriage with infidelities really start to appear on the playing field of life. I agree with the famed sex columnist Dan Savage who says that monogamy is difficult – that it is counter intuitive to our biology. If you want to read more on this subject pick up the fabulous “Sex at Dawn”.
I do think that we are about to dive into another great big sexual revolution but it's not going to be led by women in their 20’s and 30’s. They are still growing up and finding their way in this day and age of extended youth, and on top of that - they are busy doing what women in their 20’s and 30’s have been doing since forever – having babies and raising families.
But just you wait – it will be those same women a little later in life - who are awakening with a force that I have never seen before. They are developing Goddess Circles, pitching Red Tents, and desperately looking to explore their sexuality in brand new ways. They are not rejecting passion, instead they are desperate to find it – and in their forties, fifties and beyond – they are currently building brand new paradigms after the job of raising babies is done.