The Whats,Whys and Hows of Using Boundaries in Love
Boundaries are perimeters that are used for properties and our belongings. The 'No Trespassing' sign is a clear message of what is expected of you. Animals are good boundary makers who use their voice and body language to get their point across. Unfortunately, humans are not as good with it.
Many of us were not taught the lesson of boundary making in childhood and need to learn these skills as an adult. There are physical, mental, emotional and spiritual boundaries. It is important to set boundaries in order to feel safe, heard and respected. The following excerpt is my own experience of making a physical boundary from my book "Psychic Wisdom on Love and Relationships."
One of my first valuable lessons on boundaries came from a man we used to call "Dirty Roger." No, Dirty Roger was not a pervert. He would come directly from a blue collar job to our 5:30 group without taking a shower first. He smelled and his clothes were dirty, hence the nickname. At the time, I worked at an office job and had to dress in nice clothes. Dirty Roger always came up to me for a hug and I did not know how to stop it. How, I hated that hug! Besides the fact he was filthy, his hug had a sexual vibe to it, which repulsed me and made me want to disinfect my clothes. I asked my spiritual adviser what to do about this disturbing problem. She told me to stick my arms in front of me. Such a simple solution and so easy to do!
In this case, I did offend Dirty Roger, but it was important for me to do it. When making a boundary you can offend, hurt or make people angry. Do it anyway, but do it with kindness! If you do not set limits, you will hurt yourself by putting up with unwanted behavior from others.
Setting boundaries in love relationships are often difficult to do because someone's heart is involved. The important thing is to be honest and kind. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Here are some suggestions for making boundaries in love relationships:
- Say no thank you to someone that you are not interested in romantically.
- If asked an inappropriate question, respond by saying, "That subject is not open for discussion."
- If your instincts are warning you of danger, go for safety immediately! Better safe than hurt, raped or murdered.
- Only have sex when you are ready; if they are "The One" they will respect your wishes.
- If your potential mate does not want a committed relationship but you do, make a clear boundary of what your next actions are.
- If you make exceptions for your boundaries once, do not expect future boundaries to be respected.
- Respect other peoples' boundaries.
Happy boundary making!
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