Losing Friends Over NOT Having Kids?


Losing Friends Over NOT Having Kids?
We'd heard from “childless by choice couples” that we’d lose friends over this lifestyle decision.

We heard it might happen. . . some were certain it would. As we walked down the aisle to become Husband and Wife – bound together in a true soul partnership, we heard from other “childless by choice couples” that we’d lose friends over this lifestyle decision.

We thought, “Okay, maybe those peripheral friends, those ones we see only a couple times a year at best.”


Actually, now that enough time has passed - it appears to be true. Certainly, not all of our friends with children – some appreciate the idea of “It Takes A Village” – however, we seem to have lost all communication with some of our friends whom we considered “close” that have kids.

We never imagined that the ones we’d confided in all along, throughout our relationship (and even before), in our very firm decision not to procreate would then delete us from their inner circle.

We had actually meant it when we’d say things like, “We aren’t having any so we can help with yours.”

Yes, we’ve reached out – phone calls, emails, texts – no response. What is there to do? Can’t “make” someone be your friend.

We’re perplexed and saddened by its happening and today we find ourselves mourning something we seemed to have lost some time ago, but only now are feeling the grief.

The loss of a friendship seems an emotional topic – one that is raised often in Junior High and High School, however in adulthood we don’t seem to give the issue much thought. “People come and go in your life,” we often hear. Or the whole, “Reason, Season, Lifetime,” concept is spouted as if that makes the loss any less.

Mourning one thing is like mourning anything and that means TAKE TIME.

Take time to feel the emotions as they come. They may show up like the 5 Stages of Death and Dying by Kubler-Ross: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

Emotions compound and grief is actually easy to identify this phenomenon with. When we feel a loss, we actually feel all the losses – and from all sorts of situations – death, breakup, betrayals, etc. It’s the emotion of grief that is compounded – it comes from that part of our brain, which categorizes “This is like That.”

So today, and however long it will take us, we mourn. We mourn the loss of what was, along with the loss of what could have been.

Of course all of our behavior at its root has positive intent. So rather then go into the seeking of “Why” this happened, we’ll expand our consciousness to focus on what is possible now.

Certainly, we can knock their birthdays (all four of them) out of our Birthday Calendar. Edit our speed dial.

Lets dig deeper and see if we can find something expansive and positive that we can receive from this experience.

We all spend the same amount of time, and all of our time will be spent. How and where we spend it says a lot about who we are, and what we value.

Having friends that don’t value us. . well, that’s not much of a friendship.

We’ve decided to mourn it, reach into our heart, and with the energy of love – simply let go!

Any other ideas? Comments and suggestions are welcome below.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Orna And Matthew Walters

Dating Coach

Creating Love On Purpose…not just by accident!

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Orna and Matthew Walters, C.Ht.


Location: Santa Monica, CA
Credentials: CHT, Other
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