He Watches Porn—Is Your Relationship In Trouble?
By Orna And Matthew Walters. Posted on .
Sexually charged images aren't limited to adult films and websites—they're everywhere! From a snapshot of a young ingénue's hoo-ha as she gets out of a limo to the latest celebrity sex tape, we are surrounded by forms of pornography. And, on the Internet most of it is not only easily accessible, it's free.
It's no wonder, then, that there are hundreds of sites dedicated to ending porn addiction. But does this mean that if your partner looks at porn that he has a problem? Does it mean that he doesn't love you or is being unfaithful? Is there room for porn in your relationship?
What happens when you discover your partner is viewing porn? Maybe you feel something is wrong with you, or that something is missing in your relationship. You might begin to question your own attractiveness, or your partner's level of attraction to you. This discovery could affect your self-esteem and your sexual confidence. "Is he thinking about younger, prettier women? Is he being unfaithful to me?" you may ask.
Anger, despair, betrayal are only some of the many feelings that could be triggered by this situation. It is important to notice what emotions this brings up inside of you, and to get to the root of what you are feeling.
One of the most important things for you to realize is the difference between the way men are stimulated and the way women are. With men, sexual stimulation can be a purely visual experience with no connection to the heart. In essence it is a direct connection between the image and sexual arousal—neither his heart nor his imagination are required or necessarily engaged. When women view porn, it usually requires a story (however slight) to ignite her desire for fantasy. Her imagination can become very involved and for a majority of women, igniting the fantasy is the goal! Porn: When It Helps & When It Hurts
We had a client who had discovered that her boyfriend was looking at porn, and she really felt betrayed. She felt that his looking at porn was equal to him being unfaithful. She came to us because she was trying to reconcile her feelings. How could he love her and want to look at other women naked?
We worked with her to get the root of what was causing her distress. For her, it was her own insecurity. Once we established that, we coached her on how to communicate with her boyfriend in a way that allowed her to take responsibility for her own feelings. Once in the conversation, she was able to create deeper intimacy with her boyfriend simply by expressing her emotions authentically. Moving forward together, this couple decided to sometimes include porn in their foreplay. It allowed them to discuss parts of their sex life they had not yet communicated about; it added a "wow!" factor to their imagination and role-play, and ultimately made them a stronger couple by creating deeper intimacy. 5 Thoughts That Prevent Great Sex
If your desire is to have a true soul partnership, then no subject is "taboo" to discuss. When fear shows up within a partnership, walking through that paper tiger of fear and communication will create deeper intimacy every single time.
To really make this advice work, you need to follow these action steps to complete today's challenge.
Right now, I want you to:
Take a few deep breaths. Put your feet flat on the floor and uncross your arms. Get in your body and get in touch with your feelings. Finish these sentences:
1. When I think of him looking at porn I feel _____________.
2. When I think of looking at porn with him, I feel ______________.
3. I rate my sexiness at a level (1-10) __________.
The first feeling to come to mind is the right answer. Do not think too much about it. Be sure you have a feeling statement—rather than a thought.
Within 7 days I want you to:
Own your feelings and communicate with your partner by utilizing this template:
I feel ____________. When you _________. Can we please. . . . or Would you please. . .
For example: I feel insecure when you look at porn. Would you please explain to me what is appealing to you about it? Continue the conversation with feeling statements. Always beginning with, "I feel _____________." This template allows you to own your feelings without attacking or blaming him. What you feel is about you, not about him.
Remember no one actually "makes" you feel anything. Our feelings are signals to let us know that there is something in this situation we need to pay attention to. Know that he may or may not respond positively to this exchange. That is not your responsibility. Your job is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate it.
By the end of the challenge I want you to:
Reflect how these conversations have created deeper intimacy between you and your partner; therefore creating a stronger a bond and a healthier, happier sex life. See if you can allow room for porn in your sex life—either for him alone, or for the two of you together. If not, reflect on how to respectfully make that request of your partner. It is important to know what you require in relationship, and not to sacrifice your needs. Being able to communicate what you desire and require are key to creating longevity in your intimate relationship.
