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What It Really Means When Your Man Watches Porn Behind Your Back

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Sex

Is your relationship in trouble?

Sexually charged images aren't limited to adult films and websites — they're everywhere! From a snapshot of a young celebrity's hoo-ha as she gets out of a limo to the latest celebrity sex tape, we are surrounded by many forms of pornography. And on the internet, most of it is not only easily accessible, it's free.

It's no wonder, then, that there are hundreds of sites dedicated to ending porn addiction and warning of the dangers of this terrible addiction. But does this mean that if your partner looks at porn that he has a problem? Does it mean that he doesn't love you or is being unfaithful?

Is there room for porn in your relationship?


Related: 6 Signs You're Totally Addicted To Porn (And Need Help)
 

What happens when you discover your partner is viewing porn? Maybe you feel something is wrong with you, or that something is missing in your relationship. You might begin to question your own attractiveness or your partner's level of attraction to you. This discovery could affect your self-esteem and your sexual confidence. "Is he thinking about younger, prettier women? Is he being unfaithful to me?" you may ask.

Anger, despair, betrayal are only some of the many feelings that could be triggered by this situation. It is important to notice what emotions this brings up inside of you and to get to the root of what you're feeling. But just because your boyfriend watches porn doesn't necessarily mean that he is suffering from porn addiction.

One of the most important things for you to realize is the difference between the way men are stimulated and the way women are. With men, sexual stimulation can be a purely visual experience with no connection to the heart. In essence, it is a direct connection between the image and sexual arousal—neither his heart nor his imagination are required or necessarily engaged. When women view porn, it usually requires a story (however slight) to ignite her desire for fantasy. Her imagination can become very involved and for a majority of women, igniting the fantasy is the goal!

We had a client who had discovered that her boyfriend was looking at porn and she really felt betrayed. She felt that his looking at porn was equal to him being unfaithful. She came to us because she was trying to reconcile her feelings. How could he love her and want to look at other women naked?

We worked with her to get the root of what was causing her distress. For her, it was her own insecurity. Once we established that, we coached her on how to communicate with her boyfriend in a way that allowed her to take responsibility for her own feelings. Once in the conversation, she was able to create deeper intimacy with her boyfriend simply by expressing her emotions authentically. Moving forward together, this couple decided to sometimes include porn in their foreplay. It allowed them to discuss parts of their sex life they had not yet communicated about; it added a "wow!" factor to their imagination and role-play, and ultimately made them a stronger couple by creating deeper intimacy.

If your desire is to have a true soul partnership, then no subject is "taboo" to discuss. When fear shows up within a partnership, walking through that paper tiger of fear and communication will create deeper intimacy every single time.


Related: 12 BIG Signs You're In Love With A Sex Addict
 

If you know your partner is looking at porn, and this brings up negative emotions for you, here's what we'd like you to do:

1. Don't put your head in the sand and ignore the issue.

Ignoring how you feel about the issue will only breed resentment. You cannot be in a committed relationship and not be able to express how you feel about what is going on in the relationship. That resentment will build up over time and could doom the relationship.

2. Be sure to communicate your feelings to your partner without blame.

Attacking or blaming language will only shut him down. Follow the template below when communicating with him about this issue.

3. Find out from your partner about what he likes about looking at porn.

Maybe that can give you an idea about what, if anything, may be missing from your sexual relationship.

4. Know that what you're feeling is about you, not about your partner.

Just because your man is looking at porn doesn't mean that your relationship is over or even that you have a problem in your relationship. It is imperative to the health of your relationship to address your feelings with your man so that you are both on the same page, however.

Porn can be addictive, and if you believe that there may be signs of a porn addiction instead of just "nothing," there are many great resources to help someone who may have this problem.

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