There are no good men out there?? Girl, you're clearly overlooking something.
When I was seventeen, I either liked people right away ... or I didn’t. I didn’t stop much to think about why I felt that way. I was either drawn to a certain person or not. And if I was, they would become my friend. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t even acknowledge their existence because I just didn’t have time for that nonsense.
Years down the road however, life became more complicated. I started to understand that most people are not what they at first seem. I started taking the time to scratch that surface to find my ‘diamonds in the rough.’ As a result, I've met many remarkable people with whom I formed long-lasting friendships — all because I was willing to understand their strengths and forgive their weaknesses.
Of course, time is on our side when it comes to wisdom and understanding in friendships. Not so much when it comes to dating.
That's why most people use the "judge them quick and toss them aside" approach to screening potential romantic matches.
Take a recent client of mine as an example. She went on a first date with a seemingly perfect guy. He was in her age range, had a great job, was well-traveled and even shared her love of photography. He took her to a lovely restaurant, they had a great conversation and, being a perfect gentleman he walked her home and asked for a second date. A perfect first date, right?
Unfortunately, not for my client. There was something that bothered her as she analyzed this date for me. At first, she just kept saying that she didn’t feel ‘he was for her.’ However, when pressed further, she finally admitted that the reason she didn’t like him was because ... HIS ARMS WERE TOO SHORT.
To be sure, her date did not, in any way, shape or form resemble a tiny-armed T-Rex. I can assure you that most of us (myself included) would never have noticed such an obscure ‘shortcoming.’ But my client did! She was so busy analyzing her date for flaws that she made sure to find one (even if it took some extra effort and imagination). And once she did, she became so fixated on that flaw, that no other amazing quality he had could overshadow it.
That’s right — Mr. Perfect will still have flaws. (Shocker, I know.)
Sadly, my client is not alone. I work with many women who claim: "There are no good men out there!" Each woman cites her own story of seemingly perfect guys who turn out being ‘damaged goods’ on closer examination.
Miserably, these women go from date to date only to find something — ANYTHING — wrong with every guy they meet.
One man is "merely" a manager, not a director. Another doesn’t hold his fork properly. One guy insists on holding hands during dinner and another has a slight lisp when he speaks. And thus, the search for Mr. Right continues in vain.
Why do women do this to themselves? Two reasons.
1. Women are so intent on finding Mr. Right, they insist on not compromising about anything.
Many women are recovering from failed relationships; many were burned by wasting months or years on someone who turned out being Mr. Wrong. As a result, these women are EXTRA careful about the next guy. And in this obsessive search for Mr. Absolutely Perfectly Right, they willingly throw away the baby with the bathwater.
2. With each failed relationship, a woman's list of desired qualities grows longer and longer.
Regrettably with each year and each bad date, a woman's "must have" list grows and grows. Women become so attached to this itemized inventory of required qualities, that nothing but a full checklist will do.
Here is the truth, ladies. There is no PERFECT guy out there. Just like there is no PERFECT woman out there. In reality, we are all flawed (even you).
We all have qualities that are less than desirable to the opposite sex. Yet, there are people who will love you in spite of that — because there is so much good that you bring to the table that your little idiosyncrasies will get overlooked. And you know why? Because they are not as important — idiosyncrasies are easily dealt with. But the thing is: Men you date deserve the same consideration of their own quirks and meaningless short-comings.
The trick is to recognize the two or three qualities in a man that you truly can’t negotiate on. Those deal-breakers are different from person to person — does he want to have children; does he want to get married; does he want to live in New York or Boston? Everything else then becomes trivial and petty.
You don't have to deconstruct every man down to his job, habit, hair or suit. You don't have to analyze, scrutinize, and evaluate every word that he utters on every date. Sometimes even a confident man will act nervous. Sometimes even a smart man will say something stupid. Heck, who among us, never said something we later regretted?
It is only when we stop seeking perfection that we can allow ourselves to become happy. Men are human beings (now there’s a revelation) — just like you. Men have flaws (even great men), just like you. It is only when you stop actively seeking those flaws that you can finally open yourself up to a happy, healthy relationship.
Until that happens, however, you'll just continue convincing yourself that there's ‘no good guys out there.’
Marina Margulis is a renown Dating Coach based in New York City. Through her proven dating techniques and methods she has helped many amazing singles create the opportunity for a perfect relationship. If you keep attracting the wrong people (or no people at all), contact New York Socials today at firstname.lastname@example.org and be on your way to your forever-after.