It's time to take back control. Here's how ...
Just because everybody is talking about BDSM, polyamory, and other trendy and novel sexual experiences, doesn't mean those choices are the norm, or that YOU must engage in any of them.
You don't have to accept any such sexual kinky varieties, if they make you feel uncomfortable. Simply say, "No, I'm not interested in trying that at this time" if a lover proposes something like that to you.
But what happens if your partner veers off into pressuring behavior ... shaming you or insulting you into participating in sex acts he prefers even if those acts put you at risk or make you feel degraded? Sex has suddenly become a confusing mixture of physical pleasure and emotional embarrassment/ upset.
Doing naughty things in public with your guy can truly be hot, but if the idea makes you uncomfortable than it's not right for you. How can you know if this kind of excitement is only for his own pleasure? Ask yourself these three questions:
- Is he the master of spontaneous sexual feelings that usually end up exposing you to vulnerable moments?
- Is he overly turned on by sex in risky public situations, where you end up feeling shamed or embarrassed?
- If this is his normal sexual impulse, are you comfortable following him into that behavior?
It's fun for some women, but for others it's a bit too much, too soon or too risky.
Of course, you have playful ideas about intimate plays at home but can you remember those moments in which he was so bent over having a quickie in his parent's home, that when caught, you felt nervous and ashamed? It was difficult to have a normal conversation with his partners afterward ... but he was all smiles and showing off? You felt like there was some game going on and you were a pawn in it. Did he mean for you to get caught all along?
You notice that he is pushing you, recklessly exposing an intimacy that is too private, for his own edification and purposes. Perhaps you feel very uneasy, but feel so intimidated and pressured by his sexual intensity that you comply with his exhibitionist moments.
But those moments feel, neither, like love or real sex. They feel like something else entirely.
Sometimes it's as if he's playing a game, pushing you into it, but you're not told what the name of the game is — could his game be to train you into following his desires, without making a verbal protest, and in this way he's coercing your consent?
The lack of open conversation about this frenzied sex indicates this it's NOT a consensual relationship.
People using sex as a tool to show off could be reviving a degrading or humiliating childhood situation, where an adult (father or mother) abused or sexually shamed them in some way.
Spanking, for example, produces in the child's mind, a warped connection between punishment, sexual excitement and emotional connection with an abuser.
If humiliation melds with sexual stimulation, people associate being put down with a certain kind of excitement; not to mention, being the one in control is also a source of sexual stimulation.
If you've had emotional problems with dominance and power control by your parents, this will be a very difficult situation because it makes it harder to rebel against your partner and make him stop.
He craves this kind of risky sex, along with your submission and shame ... and finds in you a core of submission to your controlling parent, that he can manipulate.
This is not a healthy relationship, even if you find it "normal" because it reproduces what happened before.
As soon as you realize that you're in a psychological game being used for his perverse pleasure, you need to recover your power and wean yourself off the situation.
There is no fun in any sexual activity that includes painful shame or confusion, and you need to use a strong NO if you aren't comfortable with this behavior. This is only a game of power and control over you, not love, and accepting this kind of relationship is totally destructive to your self-esteem.
Only with a strong effort to detach from him, and a little self love, can you recover your self-respect and find someone who will not expose you to humiliation for his own, private fun.