By YourTango


Why is it that your mate always seems deficient in your eyes? Why is it that when you look at your beloved, all you see are flaws?

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I'm sitting in an airplane on my way to a conference, debating whether to catch up on my reading or catch a few winks, when I get distracted by the conversation behind me. A woman is complaining about her husband, "He never pays attention to me," she's saying "I could wear the same dress 3 days in a row, or dye my hair purple, he wouldn't notice," Her friend tsks-tsks compassionately. "And he goes on and on about the same stuff all the time," the woman continues, "Politics. That's all he talks about. I could stand it if he talked sports – but politics, please." "And his temper," she goes on, "If I do the least little thing he doesn't like, he blows up at me!" "So why don't you leave him?" her friend asks, logically.  "Leave him?" the woman says, "I can't - I love him!"

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“Well then – love him!” I feel like saying back to her. Really love him. Focusing on your mate's flaws isn't loving him, it's taking him a notch down. You see, whatever you focus on, grows. When you focus on your mate's flaws, they're magnified. All you see are his flaws, and so his flaws become the whole of him. Of course you're discontent.


Instead, focus on what's good about your mate. Pay attention to what is loveable about him. Talk about that, dwell on that, make his good qualities what you notice. You'll be surprised at how much more loveable he becomes.

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