You’re in Heaven, on Cloud Nine, blissed out, and every other love-smitten cliché in the book. HE actually was the one to celebrate your first month anniversary, you practically swooned with delight. Your friends are so bored with your bombardment of “He remembered how I take my double-chai mocha-infused vanilla latte! Isn’t he wonderful?” and every other fabulousness this marvel of mankind does, that they’re sending your calls straight to voicemail.
You tell yourself they’re jealous, that’s all. They didn’t nail perfection-in-a-guy and you did. You don’t care. You’re so wrapped up in him-him-him, flooded with every feel-good endorphin known to woman, that the entire cast of your friends and family could disappear from your life and you’d hardly notice.
Your second-month anniversary was even more sensational than the first: roses at the office, limo to rooftop dining, satin sheets. You start dreaming. Maybe he’ll propose at your next-month anniversary. Yes, it’s only been three months, but you’re so perfect together, and he’s such a romantic, it would be like him to time things just so. Which is why the following conversation totally and utterly annihilates you:
You: “So what are we doing for our third-month anniversary?”
Him: “Our what? Oh. Right. Um, actually, I’m kinda busy.”
Him: “Yeah, you know, work and stuff. Maybe we’ll catch dinner next week.
Gotta go. Ciao.”
HUH?! What happened to your Perfect Guy? You’ve been had by the Ninety-Day Wonder. Yup. It is an unfortunately little known fact that guys (and gals) can be 100% wonderful for ninety days, after which time they start to reveal who they really are. In this case, a player.
You have every right to be hurt, angry and upset. Once you get past that phase, learn from your experience.
We each have our relationship agendas, sometimes more than one. You may want to settle down with a life-partner, and you also want to have fun. Your “I want to have fun” agenda meshed perfectly with Mr. Player’s agenda, which was more along the lines of “I want to have fun and maybe in some distant future when the ‘right gal’ comes along, I’ll think about settling down. Maybe.” So for ninety days you played well together, until your other agenda (settling down) bumped up against his “maybe in some distant future” agenda—and it’s “Ciao, baby.”
The first thing to do is clarify your own agenda/s. Be clear with yourself what you want, because only then to do you have a chance of getting it. If “want to have fun” was your only agenda, then great! It’s easy to move on from Perfect Guy and find another fun-loving one. If, however, you have both “fun” and “settle down” agendas, you need another approach. And it’s remarkably easy. It’s all about--time.
Once you’ve clicked marvelously with Perfect Guy on the “fun” agenda, all you have to do to see if your “settling down” agenda is shared by Perfect Guy as well, is take your time.
Keep your heart in reserve, don’t plan the wedding, pay attention and do your best to get to know this new guy. You have to wait out the first ninety days to get even a glimmer of who he really is. After that, if he reveals himself to be more of what you’re looking for, give the relationship another three months, then another six months. By the time a year or so rolls around, you’ll know if he has a “settle down” agenda behind his “fun” agenda – or not.
When it comes to affairs of the heart, it truly is better to be “safe than sorry.”