Hint: It's not just the wild sex!
His wounds compel him to draw close to her, often in some kind of dramatic, romantic, soul-searing, highly sexually charged way. He bonds fiercely and suddenly, unwilling or unable to pace a relationship. It's a deep dive ... or it's nothing. Are You Running Away From Love?
Then, just as she begins to think they are a couple, he acts out his pain. He pulls away and he may indulge in his addiction of choice (drinking, drugs, infidelity, work, etc.), and then he either breaks up or creates so much chaos that she breaks up with him. Later, he comes back expressing remorse, she softens, and they begin again.
This becomes a vicious cycle, completely emotionally exhausting. Over time, it looks like love addiction. Unable to bond in a healthy way, this couple bonds in an addictive way; I can't live with you and I can't live without you. '50 Shades Of Grey': Why We Love Erotic Power Play
The draw to this kind of guy is powerful for women who are trying to heal their own childhood wounds. Deep down, she wants to bring him out of the darkness of his wounded soul, draw him into the light and heal him. By so doing, she proves something to herself — that she is special and worthy of the attention, love and desires of this compelling man. There's just one tiny problem: it doesn't work.
Contrary to fantasy fiction, you cannot heal the wounded guy with love. He needs several swift emotional kicks in the butt. He needs loads of "tough love," not the "sweet, I-adore-you" kind of love you want to give him. His healing cannot come from you being his Mommy, the one he didn't have before. Jennifer Love Hewitt Wants In On "Fifty Shades Of Grey"
He needs to hit rock bottom and experience a dramatic loss before he can begin to heal. The pain of doing what he's always done has to be greater than the pain of change. Because his wounds have compelled him to do so much damage, he needs to experience remorse. There are other steps, but they are best taken in a therapeutic setting, not in the course of a relationship. Big clue: most of them never do heal because they don't allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to be hurt enough to have to change.
Here's the real problem with trying to heal the wounded guy. You will wear yourself out and your own emotional needs will not be met. Over time, your lack of success in winning his true love and commitment will erode your self-esteem and self-worth. And at the end of the day, he will probably move on to someone else, transforming mainly out of the process of loss and recovery. It won't be about you or for you.
The reason we love Fifty Shades of Grey is because it's the story of every bad love relationship that women have had with their own version of the wounded guy. I have my own Fifty Shades in my history, and so do millions of other women. But I moved on years ago, to my sweet, totally devoted vanilla guy. I no longer need the roller coaster ride of a Fifty Shades relationship. I'm completely content and fulfilled. Why Every Woman Should Experiment With S&M
If you're trying to heal your Fifty Shades guy, or if you don't understand the fiction of the book and you think you'll one day snare a wounded, sexy billionaire, stop and do some soul-searching. Find out how to side-step this temptation and create a new pathway to a loving, rewarding relationship.
About the author: Nina Atwood, M.Ed., LPC, is a nationally known psychotherapist, author of five self-help books, and frequent expert media guest. Read the transformational book that will change your life and your relationships with men: Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid. To successfully date online, get Nina's $0.99 eBook Internet Dating for the Savvy Single. Learn how to communicate effectively with your mate with Soul Talk: Powerful, Positive Communication for a Loving Partnership. Get loads of free advice and Love Strategies at www.singlescoach.com.
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This article was originally published at Love Strategies with Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach . Reprinted with permission from the author.