She’s Doing Threesomes . . .While He's Just Lonesome

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She’s Doing Threesomes . . .While He's Just Lonesome
Should I be OK with my girlfriend hanging out with ex lovers?

Dear Nina: Should I be tolerant when it comes to a girlfriend hanging out with ex lovers? They are not people she dated, but people she has slept with. Recently, she blew me off for a "friend" coming into town, and I found out the "friend" was someone she had a threesome with, and the friend was spending the night at her apartment. She was not upfront or honest about it. She had other recent ex-lovers she wanted to hang out with, too. I broke it off, because I'm not cool with it. I said she should give these people up if she wants to be with me or at least make the effort to explain why I should be comfortable with it. Did I do the right thing? –Adam

Dear Adam: There are major red flags all over this relationship. No, it's not okay to have threesomes, and it's not okay to have someone you once had a threesome with spend the night with you and blow off your boyfriend. It's not okay, that is, if you want a committed relationship that is built around love and fidelity. My question is: what are your values? What is okay and not okay with you? If you don't have any sexual boundaries yourself, you can't expect her to. If you do have moral boundaries about sex, then date someone else who shares your values. You are fooling yourself if you think she will change. Get some coaching if you need to clarify your own values and boundaries.

 

On the subject of sexual boundaries, one of the biggest myths that has taken root in our culture is that sex is just sex; it's about physical pleasure and nothing more. Anyone can engage in sex with another person and it is no more meaningful than eating chocolate ice cream for pleasure. This is pure hogwash, promoted primarily by the Playboy mentality of sexuality that flourished in the 1960's and is still prevalent. The reality is sex is about three things: procreation, connection, and pleasure. 

The pleasure part is how we were created so that we would be motivated to procreate. Makes sense, doesn't it? If it didn't feel so good, and if we didn't have hormones that create a powerful drive to have sex, our species would have died out long ago. Procreation, obviously, is the deepest of biological drives. Without it, life simply would not flourish on this planet.

The connection is what is so confusing to some people. We are wired to seek to bond with our sexual partners. That mechanism is what guides us to form families, the system inside of which children have the greatest opportunity to flourish. Seeking to have sex without love goes against the emotional, familial and spiritual impulses that make us uniquely human. Yes, the physical, animal-self is fully capable of having sex without attaching deeply, but over time the sex-without-love becomes emotionally numb and is unable to attach.

The pleasure principle of sexuality isn't so pleasurable in the long run. I have the case files over a twenty five year career to prove it. If you want a real relationship, know your sexual boundaries and don't compromise them. Aim for keeping sex special, to be thoroughly enjoyed in the context of a loving relationship. Date only those who share your values and sexual boundaries. You will be healthier, happier and on the path to a wonderful lifetime relationship.

About the author: Nina Atwood, M.Ed., LPC, is a nationally known psychotherapist, author of five self-help books, and frequent expert media guest. Read the book that will transform your life and your relationships with men: Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid. To successfully date online, get Nina's $0.99 cent eBook Internet Dating for the Savvy Single. Get loads of free advice and Love Strategies at www.singlescoach.com.

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This article was originally published at Love Strategies with Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by

Nina Atwood

Author

Nina Atwood, M.Ed., LPC
The Singlescoach®
Visit my website for FREE resources!
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Location: Dallas, TX
Credentials: LPC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Dating/Being Single Support
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