She’s Doing Threesomes . . .While He's Just Lonesome

By

She’s Doing Threesomes . . .While He's Just Lonesome
Should I be OK with my girlfriend hanging out with ex lovers?

Dear Nina: Should I be tolerant when it comes to a girlfriend hanging out with ex lovers? They are not people she dated, but people she has slept with. Recently, she blew me off for a "friend" coming into town, and I found out the "friend" was someone she had a threesome with, and the friend was spending the night at her apartment. She was not upfront or honest about it. She had other recent ex-lovers she wanted to hang out with, too. I broke it off, because I'm not cool with it. I said she should give these people up if she wants to be with me or at least make the effort to explain why I should be comfortable with it. Did I do the right thing? –Adam

Dear Adam: There are major red flags all over this relationship. No, it's not okay to have threesomes, and it's not okay to have someone you once had a threesome with spend the night with you and blow off your boyfriend. It's not okay, that is, if you want a committed relationship that is built around love and fidelity. My question is: what are your values? What is okay and not okay with you? If you don't have any sexual boundaries yourself, you can't expect her to. If you do have moral boundaries about sex, then date someone else who shares your values. You are fooling yourself if you think she will change. Get some coaching if you need to clarify your own values and boundaries.

 

On the subject of sexual boundaries, one of the biggest myths that has taken root in our culture is that sex is just sex; it's about physical pleasure and nothing more. Anyone can engage in sex with another person and it is no more meaningful than eating chocolate ice cream for pleasure. This is pure hogwash, promoted primarily by the Playboy mentality of sexuality that flourished in the 1960's and is still prevalent. The reality is sex is about three things: procreation, connection, and pleasure. 

The pleasure part is how we were created so that we would be motivated to procreate. Makes sense, doesn't it? If it didn't feel so good, and if we didn't have hormones that create a powerful drive to have sex, our species would have died out long ago. Procreation, obviously, is the deepest of biological drives. Without it, life simply would not flourish on this planet.

The connection is what is so confusing to some people. We are wired to seek to bond with our sexual partners. That mechanism is what guides us to form families, the system inside of which children have the greatest opportunity to flourish. Seeking to have sex without love goes against the emotional, familial and spiritual impulses that make us uniquely human. Yes, the physical, animal-self is fully capable of having sex without attaching deeply, but over time the sex-without-love becomes emotionally numb and is unable to attach.

The pleasure principle of sexuality isn't so pleasurable in the long run. I have the case files over a twenty five year career to prove it. If you want a real relationship, know your sexual boundaries and don't compromise them. Aim for keeping sex special, to be thoroughly enjoyed in the context of a loving relationship. Date only those who share your values and sexual boundaries. You will be healthier, happier and on the path to a wonderful lifetime relationship.

About the author: Nina Atwood, M.Ed., LPC, is a nationally known psychotherapist, author of five self-help books, and frequent expert media guest. Read the book that will transform your life and your relationships with men: Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid. To successfully date online, get Nina's $0.99 cent eBook Internet Dating for the Savvy Single. Get loads of free advice and Love Strategies at www.singlescoach.com.

For More Sex Advice From YourTango:

This article was originally published at Love Strategies with Nina Atwood, the Singlescoach . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by

Nina Atwood

Author

Nina Atwood, M.Ed., LPC
The Singlescoach®
Visit my website for FREE resources!
Visit my author page on amazon.com
Love Strategies Internet Radio
 

Location: Dallas, TX
Credentials: LPC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Dating/Being Single Support
Other Articles/News by Nina Atwood:

Up For A Game Of Cat-And-Mouse? The #1 Reason He MUST Chase You

By

As a relationship coach I've heard lots of single men say some version of the following: "I like her and she's cute and all, but I don't know. I'm just not feeling that strongly about her. She keeps calling me and, well, it's nice to have someone to go out with." But what I hear when my clients met "the one" is vastly ... Read more

3 Amazing Reasons Why You MUST Let HIM Take The Lead While Dating

By

I'm all for gender equality and partnership in marriage. My husband and I have that, yet we're also deliciously different. Those male/female differences are the reasons why, in the early stages of dating, it pays huge dividends to let a guy take the lead. Long ago, as a budding therapist counseling singles, I thought that gender differences ... Read more

What You Can Do In 2015 To Attract A Solid Relationship

By

If you're setting intentions for the new year, this one is your most important. There is one thing that will make this your best year EVER for dating. I love HGTV, especially the House Hunter episodes. Usually, it's a couple searching for the perfect home for their family. Getting on the same page with the wish list is sometimes a challenge, but by ... Read more

See More

 
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular