But one thing became very clear. I could be righteous and say, "Buzz off, buddy" or I could say, "What learning or meaning is there for me in all this?" It has been an ongoing lesson in honoring the truth of the moment, in going deep within to see what my heart says to me. What would I gain by pushing him out of my life? His caring words and actions toward me have not changed. If I am being naive, hurray for naivete. If I am rationalizing, thank goodness for rationalization. All I know is that D. is a very good man, that we still love each other, even though he needs to be free, and I want to be in a committed relationship. It doesn't have to be either-or for us to remain close friends.
I don't promise consistency to him, to myself, to anyone. It would be nice if I could count on my feelings and be disciplined enough to act consistently. But I'm not making that demand of myself or of D. Rather, I'm immersing myself into this experience of nojudgment, no-ultimatums. Who knows where it will take us? I think that having done co-counseling, where I can discharge my feelings, has made it much easier to stay in the boat as it goes back and forth between rough and calm stretches. If this "go with the moment" boat capsizes, I'll get wet. But I'll learn where the rocks are and where the
smooth water is. And the next trip down the river may be more harmonious because of what I learn now.
I even caught myself thinking of our changing relationship like I would about a trip in a foreign location. When the bus breaks down in Bali, or the sunset tour leads us to a rainy site, I don't say, "All foreign travel is a bust." Nor will I make any generalizations
about men or commitment. We both created this relationship, and I will keep my hands on the paddles until I get to a place where I want to drop anchor. For now, I am choosing to welcome whatever change this leads to. Rev. Rodney Romney once said, "My highest response to this moment is welcome." So, welcome, Change. Make yourself at home.
To explore some situation in your life around change or new goals, go to http://communicationcoaching.net/can_coaching_help.htm. You can also call me at 206-938-8385 or email firstname.lastname@example.org. Moreah Vestan