(Plus, the fastest way to bring him back.)
Does the man you love remind you of water — dripping out of your hands the more you try to hold onto him? I know how frustrating it can be to be madly in love with a guy who doesn't reciprocate; it doesn't matter how often you contact him, try to force heart-to-hearts, offer solutions or try to prove to him that you aren't going to hurt him.
You break your back trying, but sweat and tears just don't help you keep your man. It sucks.
If you want to keep your man, you're going to have to let go of the "if only" and risk losing him entirely. If you want to keep your man, trust that he knows what's best for him and don't try to control his feelings or his actions. Here are three tips to keep your man.
1. Communicate your own feelings instead of analyzing his.
Imagine the shoe on the other foot and you are in his position. Imagine you are seeing a guy and,for some reason, you aren't really feeling him anymore. Now, imagine that he senses your distancing and starts to try and pull you toward him.
He starts appealing to your feelings and compromising his needs in the process. He makes wild promises of unconditional love and says he will jump through whatever hoops he needs to in order to keep you. He calls often and brings up the relationship every chance he gets. He experiences waves of sadness, anger and neediness and all the while he just wants answers.
This behavior would probably make you feel guilty and smothered. But what if, instead, he tells you how your confusing, mixed messages make him feel? What if he communicates to you all the pain you've caused him and that he's not going to put up with it anymore?
Wouldn't you feel more pressure to figure out your feelings and decide if you want that relationship? Wouldn't you respect him more and see that he's the kind of diplomatic, caring-yet-confident person that you might not want to lose?
2. Face your fears of losing him.
You probably want to tell him "goodbye." You probably dream of having the strength to call him out on his wish-washy behavior. But your fears of losing him get in your way. It's time to think about the worst case scenario so you don't end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What would happen to you if you ended up losing him? Would you spiral into depression? Would you experience anxiety about being alone? It's time to journal your feelings and fears. Once you face the reasons why you hold onto him, you can start to unclench the fist that you have around this man. Right now, he feels your white knuckles squeezing tight, and it scares him. Not to mention, your tight hold on him isn't helping you.
You can't control another person's feelings, actions, or words. You can't control the future. The more you try, the more angry, sad and hopeless you will feel.
But you can control your own personal development. You can control your self-confidence and level of happiness. You can control the type of love life you have and the kinds of bad behaviors you aren't willing to tolerate.
3. Love yourself first, and his love will follow.
An emotionally healthy man falls in love with a woman to the degree that she falls in love with herself. When a woman has strong, vibrant, respectful, calm and grounded energy, an emotionally available man is drawn to her like a magnet. When a woman knows her boundaries and doesn't let a man's confusion penetrate and plummet her self-esteem, an emotionally available man feels safe getting closer to her.
Focusing on you and your life, instead of changing his feelings and behavior, will also give a man the emotional space he needs to not feel smothered in a relationship. When you worry less about accommodating him, you will give him a chance to straighten up on his own without feeling like it's a demand from you.
If you want to learn how to unclench your death grip and keep your man in love with you, please sign up for my Goddess Advice Newsletter. My eLetters are chock-full of valuable insight and tools that will change your life and the way men treat you.