So, if you are also shy and ashamed of your sexuality, let me, right now, give you permission not to be shy and not to worry about LOOKING pleased as much as actually BEING pleased. Many men can feel the difference between you putting on airs and you authentically getting aroused.
Tell yourself, “Kristina gives me permission to be a free girl in the bedroom. She gives me permission to be self-invested in the bedroom, because that’s really what HE wants. She gives me permission to let my wildest fantasies play on the playground of my imagination anytime I want. She says that to be a sexual woman is not a sin, so my body is free from sexual shame.”
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Also, enjoying sex fully can be much harder with a guy you DON’T really know well. When you have sex with someone you don’t feel emotionally safe with, your body is less likely to surrender to that person’s touch and sex. You end up performing instead of experiencing!
A good test to know if your body feels safe with someone is to think about whether or not you would leave that person alone in your house when you weren’t there. If you can’t trust a man with your television set, why on earth would you trust him alone in your bedroom with your beautiful, precious, naked body?
Look, I’m not against casual sex, but just remember that you want a healthy mind and body that are attracted to (and surrender fully to) safety and love, not to precarity and anatomy.
Here are some suggestions to help you feel more sexual and in your body and start authentically CRAVING, LOVING, NEEDING, and ENJOYING your man’s sex:
Don’t beat yourself up for the ways you’ve acted sexually with men in the past. You are still alive and your heart is still beating with love to give! Don’t let a memory take away your soul’s spirit and your desire to experience sexual bliss. Forget that drunken night in the back seat of that weird guy’s car, because we almost all have a memory like that, and start thinking about the kind of lovemaking you want to have now and in the future.
STOP reading articles about how to give mind-blowing oral sex. How are you going to focus on your pleasure if you are preoccupied with figuring out how to make one hand move one way, the other move the other way, and your mouth go up and down, all at the same time? His penis isn’t a shake weight. He wants you to enjoy what you are doing, not stress out.
SURRENDER to your man’s non-sexual affection as often as you can. I often use the image of butter on a hot metal knife, where you are the butter and his touch is the knife's blade. Melt into his tenderness. Make a conscious effort to relax your muscles when he touches you, and start outside the bedroom. Allow yourself to look into his eyes and silently say to him, “That feels like heaven, you beautiful man.” Or say it aloud.
Let HIM undress you in bed. With every item of clothing he removes, surrender to his touch, an aspect of your vulnerability.
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Don’t primp and fuss over putting on stiff, itchy lingerie for him that makes YOU feel anything but sensual. Wear WHATEVER makes you feel deliciously fleshy and carnal.