If you want to know what really turns him on and makes sex with you memorable, read this!
I have this belief about men: I believe ALL men want nothing more than to be good providers. I think every single one of them deeply desires the ability to provide his partner with things like safety, financial security, loyalty, patience, kindness, understanding, and great sex.
Yes, there are some men who don’t have confidence in their power to provide. (You see men like this today more than ever.) This lack of confidence makes many act controlling, jealous, arrogant, lazy, avoidant, childish, selfish, etc. However, these men and their issues are a different article.
The point I’m making here is this: If you act like a woman who truly and deeply appreciates a confident man’s gifts of love (his affection, luxury items like jewelry, chores accomplished around the house to ease your load, etc.), he will start feeling better and better about himself as a man and will want to continue breaking his back for more of your confidence-building gratitude.
And sex is no exception.
So, the best way to be a man’s dream lover? Stop trying to please him and start LETTING him gratify, satisfy, delight, excite, and IGNITE you with his sexual gifts!
Sure, a guy’s not going to turn down quality fellatio, but believe it or not, it’s how turned on YOU get during sex that makes or breaks it for him. And this is especially true if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
Think of yourself like a mirror, reflecting back to him how great he is in bed. The more you AUTHENTICALLY enjoy his touches, kisses, nibbles, and thrusts, the better of a lover he thinks he is. And the better a lover he thinks he is—you got it!—the better a lover he thinks YOU are!
Sounds so easy, right? “I just relax, focus on genuinely fulfilling my sexual needs and receiving pleasure, and he is left just as happy as a clam? That can’t be hard!”
Actually, it can be quite hard. It goes against everything many of us women have been taught, and it is really hard to do under the WRONG circumstances!
Many of us have been taught to be proper ladies. We’ve been taught to not talk about sex like it’s something slushy and juicy and dirty and musky and wild and sweaty and slippery. Even reading those adjectives on this page might make you blush or cringe. “Slippery and juicy? That’s kind of yucky.” Well, guess what? Your body doesn’t think so.
A few years back, before I starting making relationship advice a career, I spoke with quite a few sexually shy women. My ex-hubby was from a religious family and culture, and most of his female cousins and friends were shy about sex. They wanted to please their husbands in the bedroom and they wanted to enjoy sex, but they didn’t know how to relax enough, feel comfortable enough, and feel like they had permission enough to express their enjoyment fully.
They were so worried about the man’s pleasure that they never thought about their own. When I told them that a man’s pleasure was wrapped up in their pleasure, they were overwhelmed and afraid of looking not pleased enough in their man’s eyes.
So, if you are also shy and ashamed of your sexuality, let me, right now, give you permission not to be shy and not to worry about LOOKING pleased as much as actually BEING pleased. Many men can feel the difference between you putting on airs and you authentically getting aroused.
Tell yourself, “Kristina gives me permission to be a free girl in the bedroom. She gives me permission to be self-invested in the bedroom, because that’s really what HE wants. She gives me permission to let my wildest fantasies play on the playground of my imagination anytime I want. She says that to be a sexual woman is not a sin, so my body is free from sexual shame.”
Also, enjoying sex fully can be much harder with a guy you DON’T really know well. When you have sex with someone you don’t feel emotionally safe with, your body is less likely to surrender to that person’s touch and sex. You end up performing instead of experiencing!
A good test to know if your body feels safe with someone is to think about whether or not you would leave that person alone in your house when you weren’t there. If you can’t trust a man with your television set, why on earth would you trust him alone in your bedroom with your beautiful, precious, naked body?
Look, I’m not against casual sex, but just remember that you want a healthy mind and body that are attracted to (and surrender fully to) safety and love, not to precarity and anatomy.
Here are some suggestions to help you feel more sexual and in your body and start authentically CRAVING, LOVING, NEEDING, and ENJOYING your man’s sex:
Don’t beat yourself up for the ways you’ve acted sexually with men in the past. You are still alive and your heart is still beating with love to give! Don’t let a memory take away your soul’s spirit and your desire to experience sexual bliss. Forget that drunken night in the back seat of that weird guy’s car, because we almost all have a memory like that, and start thinking about the kind of lovemaking you want to have now and in the future.
STOP reading articles about how to give mind-blowing oral sex. How are you going to focus on your pleasure if you are preoccupied with figuring out how to make one hand move one way, the other move the other way, and your mouth go up and down, all at the same time? His penis isn’t a shake weight. He wants you to enjoy what you are doing, not stress out.
SURRENDER to your man’s non-sexual affection as often as you can. I often use the image of butter on a hot metal knife, where you are the butter and his touch is the knife's blade. Melt into his tenderness. Make