What Couples With Different Sexual Needs Can Learn

 

DIFFERENT SEXUAL NEEDS

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Situations and Lessons NO. 6

Fanny lost her desire for sexual contact early in her marriage.

This has become a serious problem for her husband Dennis. Although he tries not to take it personally, he cannot help feeling rejected and demeaned as a man. Also, his biological needs cause him to suffer, especially at night.

Fanny loves Dennis and feels badly about her inability to make love to him. She is blocked by some subconscious aversion toward the male reproductive organ and the sexual act itself. Although she is not aware of the reason, both the male organ and the act of sex seem dirty to her. Her search into why she feels this way has been fruitless until now.

Dennis also loves Fanny very much. This problem, however, causes him to feel great injustice. He needs this contact physically and emotionally. Fanny understands and respects his need, but feels very much pressured by him and also suffers an unconquerable aversion when he approaches her sexually.

This fear of his approaching her causes her to avoid all contact, even simple affection, so he will not be aroused and the energy between them will not become sexual. She has also begun occupying herself with a large variety of activities outside the home, using up large quantities of energy and avoiding Dennis. She also leaves on the weekends for seminars or retreats. She has found some meaning, but also perhaps some escape.

This adds to Dennis’s feelings of injustice and hurt. He seldom sees her at home and would like to spend some quality time with his wife.

What does each of them have to learn?

Fanny:

Does she need to work more deeply on discovering the cause of her fear and repulsion toward the male organ and sexual union?

Does she need to force herself to accept her husband sexually even though she does not feel it?

Or is her lesson to accept this problem and let her husband work it out from his end?

Should she be staying home more with her family even if this does not fulfill her as much as her other activities and even if their material needs are cared for?

Should she be there at home creating with her presence a sense of family?

Should she feel responsible for Dennis’s unhappiness or not?

What does she need in order to find a balance?

Does she need to free herself from the belief that sex is dirty or evil?

Should she give him more affection and loving affirmation so he will not believe she does not love him?

Must she distinguish between affection, hugging and caressing and sex?

Does she need to express her needs and beliefs to him more clearly, lovingly and assertively without feeling responsible for his reality?

Does she need to overcome any negativity she is feeling toward him?

Dennis:

Should he pressure his wife to accept physical contact with him?

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Should he insist that she stay at home more? Is his lesson to accept this absence of sexual contact?

Is he in any way doing something that repulses his wife?

Does he need to understand her problem and not take this situation personally? How can he find his happiness without doing injustice to his wife?