Who says being particular about your lovers is a bad thing?
Being a relationship coach should make one incredibly aware of their own dating needs and wants. Otherwise, they're a hypocrite in Freud's clothing. I, for one, have incredibly high awareness of such things.
I can recite my needs and wants like they were the words to my all-time favorite song (Exactly' by Amy Steinberg if you're curious). And yet here I am 110 months post-divorce and single. When I think about all of this, there are three words that come to mind — strange, sad and defiant.
- Strange as in, isn't it strange how I can be so clear about what I need and yet be so single after 110 months?
- Sad as in, I'm sad that after 110 months I am still single.
- Defiant as in, despite said strange and sad adjectives and feelings, I will not settle and thus being single is the only option.
I had this conversation with a first, last date a couple weekends ago. This after we both realized there was no attraction on either side.
On a related side note, I introduced her to a really good friend and they've just started talking about settling down together. Pardon me whilst I admit to punching the air and being quasi-jealous. But I digress.
In this conversation, she asked me rather pointedly, "what is it that you just can't find?" She went on to note that she finds it hard to believe that someone (me) who is fit, conversant and successful is still single without there being some rudimentary issue with them.
What's more, she pinpointed the fact that I'm likely 'too picky' and 'impossible to please'. Ouch! I've heard this before. We all have from time to time, and let me emphatically state that I find the phrase 'too picky' wrought with more holes than an M. Nigh Shyamalan plot line.
Let's talk about what we're saying when we say that someone is too picky.
- "Your standards are too high"
- "You expect too much from people or relationships"
- "When you look at the totality of your needs, there are just too many of them"
- "Some of your needs are unrealistic"
Are some of these true? Are all of them true? How about answering each implication with a statement that is applicable to you?
- If my standards are a set of adjectives and attributes that make me happy, than I fail to recognize how they are too high. Unless, of course, said happiness is not a condition of a good relationship.
- What level of expectations should I have for people or relationships? The same level that has had people settling, divorcing and being in absolute relationship purgatory for 2,945,234,892 years? And if I never expect more from people, how will people evolve?
- Please enlighten me on the magic number of needs that would not be too many
- Which of my needs might be unrealistic? The need to be with someone I can have an intellectual connection with? The need to be with someone I find attractive to the point I want to jump their bones every day of the week and twice on Sunday? The need to be with someone that can communicate without raising their voice to a siren pitch?
All to say, there are several reasons why 'too picky' is a flawed statement or accusation. Relationships are supposed to be easy, yes easy!
They are supposed to be natural. And, like a pre-2K BSB concert, they are supposed to be fun. Relationships will be none of these things if we're not completely smitten with the person for whom we share our head and our heart.
And, such affection will only come if said person meets our needs. I would also note that I have every reason to believe that most people that refer to others as 'too picky' are, themselves, not picky at all. But that is a bird of a different feather and perhaps one we'll tackle later.
Now don't think I forgot that this story was really all about me. I have done some soul searching and I've known for some time what my 'problem' is. Ready?
It's easy to find someone that is fun. It's easy to find someone that is responsible. It's easy to find someone that trips my physical trigger, pun intended.
It is incredibly difficult however, to find someone that fits all three. And so it goes, I am a relationship coach 110 months divorced that is treading dangerously close to being the cat man. It's my cross to bear.