Women, it is important to know that there are a whole slew of things you can do to remain sexy, maintain or build sex, romance and excitement in the relationship and it starts with you. This is up to you. Don’t wait for your partner to do it. Learn to love yourself. Spend quality time with yourself. And, yes, pampering yourself absolutely counts. If you don’t take the time to pamper yourself you might not be able to get in touch with your softer more sensual side, which men don’t naturally always bring out in women. Some ways to do this might be to take baths, light candles, wear sexy lingerie not just for him, but for yourself, get full body massages to relax and soothe your muscles. And, masturbation is no exception. Including masturbation into a once a week routine (even more if you so desire) can turn your mind back onto all things sexy, namely yourself, and help you uncover the very things, which do turn you on. Very often women who claim they are “not sexual,” don’t even masturbate. In order to find what you like sexually you need to do a little research, on your own at first. Don’t expect someone to come along, sweep you off your feet and totally arouse you at the same time. This can happen but it puts a lot of pressure and expectation on the relationship if it doesn’t work, and frankly it dis-empowers you. Besides, we have to teach our partner what turns us on. (Read: I’m not saying that you need to be more sexual, but if your level of sexual desire is causing you and/or relationship concern this might be a good place to start. Not being or feeling sexual is much often in part to not getting the type of stimulation that arouses or turns you on, either mentally and/or physical.)
Feeling timid and scared around sex is also another reason to feel “unaroused.” We want to please our partner and we don’t want to make a mistake. Every woman and man is created differently. It does not matter how experienced one might claim to be, a new sexual partner is not created equal to any of your past sexual partners. Sure there may be similarities, but the only way for us to find out how to please our partner sexually is via cues and direct communication. And, really how can we communicate our needs/wants/desires when we don’t even know what they are. Explore. Read erotic novels (many women are turned by the ongoing flirtations, the compliments, the sexy talk as opposed to anything physical), maybe even watch some porn (if it offends you try a different kind of porn), if you’re adventurous go to a strip club, take a pole dancing class, or try your local adult toy shop. Hang out with groups where sex is openly discussed. (For example, I’ve noticed that lesbians are often a lot more comfortable with their bodies and open to talking about sex and sexuality.) More and more exposure to sex can help you feel more relaxed about sex, change your attitude about sex and get you more in tune with your own sexuality. Once this happens you are better equipped to begin the conversation about your relationship, which may on the surface start with sex, but likely has other underlying conditions.