What It Means When She Says, "I'm Just Not That Sexual."


Sex and sexual expression are learned. Women must learn to be comfortable enough to express it.

Sex and sexual expression are learned. But, one thing that you will learn is that doing what feels good is inherent and biologically determined. In other words we innately know what feels good based on our biology. But, we must learn to feel comfortable enough to explore and express it.

Women are often conditioned to let the man lead and initiate. Too often, men learn a lot of what they know about sex from watching porn. Unfortunately this is not a true presentation of women or sex. Too often, women let the man take the reins but never speak up when things aren’t moving in the right direction. Men don’t always know what to do, and women don’t always speak up. In too many cases, neither gender is ever really taught how or has truly ever learned how to communicate about sex, and chances are neither party is very good at mind reading. A common myth some men have is that they think the women should be able to jump to the occasion, since a vagina doesn’t require arousal in order to participate in intercourse. Women respond by saying, “I guess I’m just not that sexual.” These men may not be realizing that not only is there no on/off switch but women require a whole slew of other factors to get aroused. And, yes, an aroused woman is way more enjoyable than a non-aroused woman. Men should try it sometimes, and those who have been lucky enough won’t settle for a woman who is not aroused.

Too often I hear women say, “I am just not that sexual,” and it’s generally when they compare themselves to their male partner. Unfortunately, this is often indicative of other underlying issues in the relationship, but the sex may need to be addressed first before peeling back the other layers. Sex is not divorced from the relationship, even if the concern is truly about the woman’s lack of arousal, it may just be the physical manifestation of something deeper. Regardless, in order to start the conversation, however, quite often women must first learn to take back and own their sexuality, and stop taking the blame.

Generally speaking, men and women are responsible for their own arousal. No one really knows that, women especially. TV, movies, porn, and romance movies don’t really teach you about you’re sexual relationship with yourself. Even with a flux of sexuality in the media, specifically with porn, there is little by way of suggesting that a true sexual relationship with someone else begins with a true relationship with yourself first. I’m definitely talking about masturbation and self-love first, communicating what you know about your body to your partner second, and then being comfortable and relaxed so that you can enjoy new sexual experiences third.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
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Moushumi Ghose

Sex Therapist

Moushumi Ghose, MFT specializes in sex and relationships and is based in New York City and Los Angeles.

She is the host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to raising awarenes about sex, and sexuality, and has made several TV and media appearances including Hollywood Today The Girl Spot, Durex Condoms and Investigation Discoveries as a sex expert. 

Visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com

Subscribe to The Sex Talk Series at www.TheSexTalkSeries.com

Listen to podcasts at Sex, Love and Rock 'N' Roll Radio.

Mou is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon, and is currently writing her second book, about non-monogamous sex. 

Follow Moushumi on Twitter @MoushumiAmour and Facebook

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
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