Bringing Sexy Back, One Dirty Word At A Time
The goal of Sexy Time for Couples (long term and some short term couples, too) is to not have a goal. We tend to be so goal oriented about sex. But, too much emphasis on intercourse, erection, ejaculation and orgasm has the potential of taking the joy and the fun out of sex.
First thing's first. Let's talk about lack of arousal, or imbalances in desire.
Women’s Sexuality VS. Men’s Sexuality
Women’s sexuality does not follow a straight line, but rather looks like a wavelength. So women, mimicking a male style of sexuality, to please your partner, and in the process disregard your own needs, one can see why this might cause disinterest, lack of arousal in women. The key to eradicate this is through education, one, but two is through communication between the partners. Women: Don’t be afraid to let your partner know when it is time for a change in the play, or if you need a break. We are responsible for our share of the pie when it comes to sex. Remember it takes two to tango. Men: Okay, so you get it. Point A (erection) to Point B (intercourse) to Point C (ejaculation/orgasm) when it comes to sex is so 1950's, and boring, but in the process have you forgotten to get pleasure for yourself? Pleasing women may be the egalitarian way for you feminist he-males, but it should not be your only goal, remember your reciprocative communication is important too. Women love to hear what a man wants. That is music to our ears. So say it, and say it loud.
If so, the point here is not to travel from A to B to C. Stop and smell the flowers, or your fingers or what ever else may tantalize you. Here are some Ideas for a break from intercourse, which also means that, read: Sexy Time does not have to stop. Mutual masturbation- I love this one. Her vagina is tired or his penis has lost its firmness take a detour and touch yourself, or try oral sex, and of course kissing. Kissing is always a great way to slow down and take some time to reconnect. Talking, such as dirty talk, sexy talk (see section on Talking the Talk below) can amazingly fast turn the heat back up. Sharing fantasies, reading erotica, resuming or starting a role play, watching porn, strip tease with music, etc. I mean the list is endless. I can give you more ideas. But the point is to move around, do something different. Change it up. This can be a short break of 2-10 minutes, OR this can be a longer break 15-45 minutes: and include such deviations as taking a bath, lighting candles, massage with massage oils, role play with more details such as acting, costumes. Or this can be a complete break until another time, such as tomorrow or the weekend.
Notes to remember:
1. A break does not have to lead to resuming intercourse,
2. A break from intercourse, which switches to mutual masturbation and oral sex does not necessarily suggest that climax or orgasm must be achieved.
Okay, but first...
Setting the Stage or Mood
Turn off TV, Cellphones, Computers, etc.. You may put on some light music. Burning incense that is mild is good too.
Kissing is a great way to get the mood going. Close eyes. Use tongue. (Also see Keeping The Mood EVERYDAY)
Stages of Sexy Time For Couples
Initiating Sexy Time:
One initiates, the other says Yes. Please note: If the other says No, then it is up to the other to initiate within 24 hours. The person who did not initiate this time should initiate within 48 hours. (This exercise is best done every two days.) Start with stage 1 and graduate to the next stage when you are really ready. (I recommened one week for each stage, at the minimum.) But take your time. The goal of sexy time is to feel sexy, hot, aroused and turned on. It is not about getting hard, getting wet, having intercourse or achieving orgasm so just take it slow and enjoy the sensations of deep arousal. (This is a technique of Master's and Johnson's also called Sensate Focus)
Stage one. No Genitals, and No Breasts, but you can use your hands, mouth, and/or tongue,
Don't: touch genitals, breasts/nipples, intercourse and orgasm
Do: massage, light candles, soft music, focus on one area of the body. Take turns, minimum 20 minutes each doing sensual massage. And talk, tell each other what you lilke, how it feels.
Stage Two. Breast/nipples okay, still no genitals. You can use hands, mouth, and/or tongue, and please no intercourse and no orgasm in this stage.
Don't: touch genitals, intercourse and orgasm Do: massage, light candles, soft music, focus on one area of the body. Take turns, minimum 20 minutes each doing sensual massage, licking, kissing. And talk, tell each other what you lilke, how it feels.
Stage Three. Breasts/nipple play is great, some genital play with hands, mouth or tongue is great,
Don't: no ntercourse and no orgasm
Do: touch genitals with hands, mouth, feathers. massage, light candles, soft music, focus on one area of the body. Take turns, minimum 20 minutes each doing sensual massage, licking, kissing. And talk, tell each other what you lilke, how it feels.
Stage Four. Breasts/nipples yes! some genital play with hands, mouth or tongue yes! intercourse yes! But insert penis into vagina (or anus for men-men) and hold. No thrusting allowed in this stage. Slow, intercourse. Talk, tell each other what you lilke, how it feels.
Don't: no thrusting, no orgasm
Stage Five. All you can eat! Breasts/nipples okay, some genital play with hands, mouth or tongue okay, intercourse okay, insert penis into vagina, thrusting allowed and orgasm is okay too.
Couples should be talking to one another throughout the excercise, about the sensations, what feels good, if they want it harder or softer, etc..
Keeping The Mood EVERYDAY
You would be surprised at how many people love dirty talk. What are you waiting for? This simple technique can really turn things up in the bedroom.
Talking the Talk ~ Examples of Dirty Talk
Maybe read this list to each other during breaks, if you are new to talking dirty. Also maybe used as an ice-breaker for couples who want to take their sex life to the next level. May be used daily in text messages, emails or just ‘in passing’ to set and keep the mood. Are good examples to use, but feel free to get as creative, dirty and kinky as is comfortable for you. The comfort level will increase in time. Goal is to become a dirty sensual lover to your partner.
‘Sexting’ your partner sexy text messages throughout the day, or when apart for longer periods of time, is a great way to stay in touch and keep the mood. Do this in the middle of your day. These little reminders will keep the sexy thoughts of each other at the tip of our minds, tongues and fingers. I like this website a lot: http://www.dirtytalk101.com/101-dirty-text-messages/
Couples need to remember to relax together. Relaxation is so important to developing closeness. One great way is daily hugging. Hugging once or twice a day is important. Hug. Close eyes and inhale for 3 seconds. Relax your jaw, shoulders and belly. Hold your breath for 3 seconds and exhale for 3 seconds. Do this two more times. Do thistwo times a day. This can be done standing up or laying down.
Self Love and Masturbation
Masturbation is a part of sexy time, in that it is the other half of your sexuality, it is the personal side of your sexuality, the part you most often do alone. A well-rounded healthy sexuality should include masturbation. If you do not masturbate regularly you should try to incorporate self love into your weekly routine, my suggestion is a minimum of 2 times a week, with a maximum being 5 times a week or daily. Whether this means a quick jack off or time spent on yourself is up to you. Taking baths, getting massage, self care and simply taking the time out for yourself is key here. If you are not in tune with your physical needs and desires, you are less likely to be a whole and complete lover.
Some Ideas for Getting Creative
This is thrusting the penis between the thighs instead of into the vagina. This is fun, sexy, and the closer the penis gets to the vagina, can be more and more arousing. Inserting penis directly into the vagina is optional, of course.
We are so conditioned to think that sex should just flow naturally. Media, movies and the like, like us to think that sex should always be romantic and organic. Well, it should but their version of romantic and organic is watered down. Exaggerate. Exaggerate. Exaggerate. Words you say, sounds you make, gestures and moves because the clearer the communication, the better. We are so in the closet about so much of sex that even a slight exaggeration can move us toward arousal and orgasm, so step out of your little shyness alcove today and bring the dirty on.
This is just the beginning. Get creative, and of course, I will be back with more ideas for Sexy Time for Couples.