People often associate marriage and marital sex with clean, safe, romantic, loving, secure, peaceful and calm sex. All nice things, indeed, but these are often the very things that don’t quite turn on the heat, and in fact are often synonymous to boredom and monotony.
What turns us on and what we find arousing all too often, however is what is also considered dirty and kinky, and unfortunately often falls into categories considered taboo and unmentionable. (This also may often even include the demoralizing of women, children and men, and also sometimes having sexist or racial content and/or the like.)
Though the definition varies from source to source, the basic idea behind healthy sexuality lies in the ability to accept and embrace one’s sexual side, including our bodies and integrate this into our psyche in ways that are functional and positive, and not harmful. For me this means, the integration of our animalistic, or kinky, dirty nature with our emotional self, attaching positive and/or neutral meaning to the urges, which are biologically considered natural.
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But the disconnect happens when we liken these animalistic drives, our dirty and kinky natures, and try to meld them with our desire to be monogamous and develop deep connections within long-term relationships. Society tells us that being sexual, romantic and intimate is preferable when done with the person we love and whom we should also to procreate with. We are told that sex should be about emotional connectedness, trust and love. The media, and the movies we watch of love stories and romance portray romantic love and sex going hand-in-hand down the yellow brick road of joy and bliss to Emerald city. What the media and our society doesn’t address is what happens once we get to Emerald city and that romantic love turns into attachment love. Helen Fisher, author of “Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love” suggests that romantic love though wonderful is unstable, and not so good for child-rearing, vs. the final stage of love, or attachment love, is characterized by feelings of calm, security, social comfort and emotional union, and allows cooperation in raising children.