We all crave comfort, but does it have to come at the expense of romance & excitement?
Most of us crave couplehood. Let's face it, the idea of being with some who loves you, supports you, listens to you, wipes your tears when you are sad, laughs with you when you are happy and holds your hand when you are mad is one of the most amazing things we all love, want, need and crave. So, we date. Or maybe we meet someone when we are not looking. But most people would agree that when we meet someone we like we consider making them our partner, and this means considering whether or not they would also like to be partners. Otherwise, we have our antennas out looking for someone else.
When we first meet someone and things start to click there is excitement, maybe passion, and maybe romance. Maybe there is a tingly feeling, and maybe there is a whole lot of unknowing, anxiety and confusion. This causes a lot of stress on the body and most people at some point want it to end. When I say end, I don't mean the relationship. I mean the chaotic, unstable feelings. There is a place where most individuals involved in a couplehood want to get and feel good about getting to, a place where most people would agree is what a wonderful long term relationship is all about. That lovely secure place is the feeling of comfort.
Most couples would agree that it's the small things that make the long-term relationship special. Shopping for groceries, fixing up the house, running errands together, doing laundry, waking up together, making breakfast, etc. You get the idea. It’s the day-to-day, simple little things we do that we get to do together in a long term relationship that makes it special, and yes, comfortable.
But, at some point comfort often leads to laziness, procrastination, taking our partners for granted, recognizing that long term is a long time, and therfore too often couples find themselves resting on their laurels. You know what I am talking about. "I am too tired," "I am not in the mood," and "Tomorrow. Let’s do it tomorrow." We begin to put off, what really should done today, until tomorrow. And, a lot of times, we know we are doing it, and we recognize that it might not be good for our relationship, but we can't seem to break the pattern. Instead, we start worrying or wondering if our partner might be stepping out, and sometimes jealousy and insecurity kick in, creating an even more vicious cycle. We fall back on the comfort, but somewhere in the back of our minds is a sense of discomfort.
So, the comfort is a safety zone, but something is missing. We know we must break the cycle of comfort, but it's too easy of a pattern to fall into and after a while breaking the cycle is weird, awkward and even somewhat embarrassing. We get to know our partner really well emotionally and intimately and we forget to integrate our, re-integrate our sexuality. We intuitively know how but with so many other bridges build it feels like learning to walk all over again. And in many ways it is. It's learning to walk down the sexual, sensual path with your intimate partner and confidante in a romantic way.
The good news is that it can be done, and it can actually be done fairly easily. And, guess what? You have the power to do it. It just takes a tiny little effort to say, "yes," instead of "not tonight." "Yes," even if you are still angry, even if it feels weird, even if you are really not in the mood and don’t have the energy, learn to say yes to your relationship. It's worth it, isn't it?
I know what you are thinking. Easier said than done, right? Well, there is a way to get your needs met too, in the process. Communication has a lot to do with it. Yes does not necessarily mean that the man must achieve a full erection, or the woman achieve a full arousal. Yes does it even mean that intercourse has to occur, or orgasm has to be achieved. Yes may mean kissing each other for 5 minutes, or taking off your clothes and lying together naked and just talking about your day. Yes could mean taking a bath together, or just lighting some candles and breathing together. Yes could mean reading erotic novels together or watching an erotic film, going to an adult store, or doing a sensual massage together. Yes could mean talking about a fantasy or creating one together. Yes can mean a non-sexual role-play that is still arousing. Yes could mean mutual masturbation.
My point is that Yes does not have to be sexual but that it should be sensual and arousing, exciting and fun, romantic and titillating, and it should be comfortable. Sometimes the thought of having to perform sexually with someone who has become our best friend, can seem down right daunting. You have permission to take it slow, and to take it where you want and need it to go. Your partner has permission to join along on the ride, with no expectations. No one has to have sex, no one needs to orgasm, just enjoy each other's company in a sensual setting. I do however strongly recommend getting naked, and women this can mean slipping into something sexy first. I also recommend tuning off the TV, computers and cell-phones. Get creative, break the cycle not just of the comfort, but of your ideas of sex, sexuality and sensuality which contribute to the comfort default, the perceived comfort. Learn to connect in other intimate ways. It takes 5 minutes a day.
If you still feel like you are having troubles, there may be other roadblocks. Talking to a psychotherapist or sex therapist can always help.