How Many Should’s Do You Have On Your List?


How Many Should’s Do You Have On Your List?
Go Ahead, Make a List of Should's, But Keep It Short and Check it Twice

The other great thing about a short list is that when you have to choose, and be very selective, it forces you to get down to the nitty gritty, to pin point the very need you have, that were it being met, you’d probably be more accepting of your partner. So, if your need is more intimacy, physical touch, quality time spent, or just “I wanna feel like Number 1,” then the other things on the list, like for example, wanting your partner to comb his/her hair, replace the toilet paper, do the dishes, be on time, etc.. fall to the wayside, because they become less important. And, in fact, if your partner shows you more of the love and respect that you desire and need, those other things on the list, do start to look and feel miniscule. 

The key here is to make it easy for your partner, by being very specific. Your partner is not a mind reader, though many would wish they could, or expect they should, this idea that "my partner should know me by now," is the biggest relationship myth out there. Your partner cannot and will never read your mind, so get that into your head and never let it go. Be very specific so he/she can meet your need, easily, so you can both feel good. As soon as possible. The sooner, the better, trust me. 


The goal is also to be real about your needs and not criticize, nit pick, blame, point the finger, and so on. Address what it is you really want from your partner and then give them a specific detail they can follow through on.

Here are some examples:
-Let’s say you want more intimacy, sex, or physical touch from your partner, well simply stating that is a vague statement. Your list item should instead be: I want a 30 second hug twice a day. Precise, concise, specific and to the point.

-Let’s say you want your partner to be more focused on you, to spend more quality time with you. Well, simply stating that as a need, again is too vague. Instead try something like this: I want to have dinner with you 3 nights a week with the cell phones, TV’s and computers off.

-Let’s say you want your partner to spend less time with his/her friends, and more time with you because you are feeling neglected, one way you could phrase it is: I want to have a date with you, once a week.

Side note: if you still have issues with your partner, for example, spending time with his/her friends, address what really bothers you about this scenario- do you feel left out? jealous? If so, what would make you feel better? It’s not realistic to expect your partner to drop his/her friends completely, or every single time to be with you, so being really honest about what is going on with you is key here.

The great thing about the short specific TWO item list is that it forces you to be honest with yourself, come to terms with your own needs which ultimately breeds more respect, and honesty in the relationship because it doesn't point blame and it forces you to take charge of your own needs. 

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Moushumi Ghose

Sex Therapist

Moushumi Ghose, MFT specializes in sex and relationships and is based in New York City and Los Angeles.

Mou is the host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to raising awarenes about sex, and sexuality, and has made several TV and media appearances including Hollywood Today The Girl Spot, Durex Condoms and Investigation Discoveries as a sex expert. 

Mou is the band leader, composer and voice of the rock band Ghosha.

Visit her website at

Subscribe to The Sex Talk Series at

Listen to podcasts at Sex, Love and Rock 'N' Roll Radio.

Mou is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon, and is currently writing her second book, about non-monogamous sex. 


Follow Moushumi on Twitter @MoushumiAmour and Facebook

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
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