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Monogamy : A Band Aid for Us, Horny and Afraid

Love, Sex

What if we said it's OKAY to be Horny and Afraid?

Recently, I heard this line in a movie, “You’re just horny and afraid of being abandoned,” in reference to a girl who was pining away for a boy who did not return the favor, and did not appear to love her back, or have an interest in her that mirrored her interest in him, and the statement struck me to say the least. Obviously true for anyone who has felt the pangs of unrequited love, myself included, I began to wonder if our fear of being abandoned combined with our desire to be sexual is somehow contributing to this whole myth of monogamy or is it the myth of monogamy that is causing us to feel abandoned? I mean, most of us want sex, and we want it to be safe, with someone we feel safe and/or comfortable with, and of course we worry about the very real fears of STD's or STI's, and unwanted pregnancies. We also want the sex to be good

And then there is security, safety, comfort, and a sense of belonging that we all want. See, here in lies my problem with societally defined rules. There are many false notions that are force fed to us along with monogamy, such as “happily ever after,” or the idea that the prince will come and save the girl, which suggests that there is one magical person out there for everyone. I think there could be magical connections between people, but I am always biting my tongue when I hear people say, “I think she’s the one.” The one what? The one you wish to marry and spend the rest of your life with?Yes, I hear that, and I get that. But ‘the one’ has come to stand for so much more. It has come to suggest that we will fall in love with ‘the one’ and never look at another person. This one will fulfill all of our needs. We identify with the one and then we feel anger, confusion, and discontent when ‘the one’ doesn’t walk, talk, look, speak, or act the way we do or how we would expect to in certain situations. We feel as though we should know everything about ‘the one’ and we feel blind-sided and abandoned when we realize that ‘the one’ is an individual, separate from us, with his/her own motives, and reasons for doing and being. Plus, we’ve been taught that ‘the one’ is the only one we should fantasize about, or think about when having sex, and that in true love we never think about other people, we never look at someone else. This is true for some, I will give you that, but for the majority of people, this is like trying to fit a circle into a square, sometimes it doesn’t seem to be a perfect fit. Most people are just afraid to admit that they fantasize about others, one- because this totally goes against societies skewed view of monogamy, the things we were taught about marriage and sex and falling in love, and two- because our partner may not understand and may feel threatened and fearful. Abandoned and afraid, and then what might ensue? We in turn may get abandoned, because out of emotional reactivity they abandon us. Hurt and betrayed.


How’s that for the monogamy myth? We perpetuate lies to ourselves and our partners for fear of beig left out in the cold, and for fear of not having a sure thing when it comes to having a sexual outlet. 

Let's talk about abandonment. Abandonment is something we all deal with from the time we are very little. When we are children and other kids bully us, we feel emotionally abandoned by the ones who do so, or who choose not to stand by our sides. When we switch schools, or even change grades, or a close friend moves away we feel sadness and begin to understand that nothing lasts forever. Some children have to unfortunately experience the loss of a parent or loved one either through divorce, death or some other catastrophe or circumstance, which can only be described as traumatic. We are forced to learn at a very young age of the impermanence of things and then we are spoon fed the concept of monogamy and bam! It’s like there is this answer to our fear of abandonment. Marriage. Marriage becomes the answer to all our woes.

And then of course there is the sex part. We are naturally sexual beings. We want to have sex. Well, most of us do, and most definitely we crave that connection and intimacy with another body, another being. We are taught concepts like “No sex before marriage,” and with the fears of sexually transmitted diseases, and HIV, again marriage and monogamy seem to the perfect solution to our desires to alleviate our fear of abandonment and to have unbridled passionate sex ALL THE TIME.

So, we set out on our mission to meet ‘the one.’ And we ache and suffer, desperately wanting to undo our abandonment. I wonder if we were to just admit that we are horny and afraid of being alone, if we were to just suck it up and say it, “I’m just horny and afraid of being alone,” would we be able to rid ourselves of the oversimplified concepts of marriage, monogamy and ‘the one?’

Don’t get me wrong. I think marriage is beautiful, and the union of two people when they fall in love and decide to support, nurture and love each other for the rest of their lives is truly amazing. And if people were more realistic about marriage and were truly educated on the true nature of long term relationships, that romance and passion wax and wane and that desire ebbs and flows, then we’d be much better at relationships I general. We would put less stock in ‘the one,’ and more stock into the connection, right now. Perhaps we wouldn't worry so much about commitment or settling, or perhaps we'd throw more caution to the wind when it comes to embracing our sexuality. If we were to accept that life is impermanent, that nothing lasts forever, even the most seemingly well matched duos and fairy tales of romances don't last forever, maybe we would also admit that what goes up, must come down instead of holding onto this fantasy that safe and sexy always, go hand in hand. Then maybe we could live our lives in less fear, embrace the moment, and seize the day, and accept in the end that yes, we are all just afraid and horny, and that is OKAY!


To connect with Mou directly please visit www.LASexTherapist.com

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