Monogamy : A Band Aid for Us, Horny and Afraid

By

Monogamy : A Band Aid for Us, Horny and Afraid
What if we said it's OKAY to be Horny and Afraid?

Recently, I heard this line in a movie, “You’re just horny and afraid of being abandoned,” in reference to a girl who was pining away for a boy who did not return the favor, and did not appear to love her back, or have an interest in her that mirrored her interest in him, and the statement struck me to say the least. Obviously true for anyone who has felt the pangs of unrequited love, myself included, I began to wonder if our fear of being abandoned combined with our desire to be sexual is somehow contributing to this whole myth of monogamy or is it the myth of monogamy that is causing us to feel abandoned? I mean, most of us want sex, and we want it to be safe, with someone we feel safe and/or comfortable with, and of course we worry about the very real fears of STD's or STI's, and unwanted pregnancies. We also want the sex to be good

And then there is security, safety, comfort, and a sense of belonging that we all want. See, here in lies my problem with societally defined rules. There are many false notions that are force fed to us along with monogamy, such as “happily ever after,” or the idea that the prince will come and save the girl, which suggests that there is one magical person out there for everyone. I think there could be magical connections between people, but I am always biting my tongue when I hear people say, “I think she’s the one.” The one what? The one you wish to marry and spend the rest of your life with?Yes, I hear that, and I get that. But ‘the one’ has come to stand for so much more. It has come to suggest that we will fall in love with ‘the one’ and never look at another person. This one will fulfill all of our needs. We identify with the one and then we feel anger, confusion, and discontent when ‘the one’ doesn’t walk, talk, look, speak, or act the way we do or how we would expect to in certain situations. We feel as though we should know everything about ‘the one’ and we feel blind-sided and abandoned when we realize that ‘the one’ is an individual, separate from us, with his/her own motives, and reasons for doing and being. Plus, we’ve been taught that ‘the one’ is the only one we should fantasize about, or think about when having sex, and that in true love we never think about other people, we never look at someone else. This is true for some, I will give you that, but for the majority of people, this is like trying to fit a circle into a square, sometimes it doesn’t seem to be a perfect fit. Most people are just afraid to admit that they fantasize about others, one- because this totally goes against societies skewed view of monogamy, the things we were taught about marriage and sex and falling in love, and two- because our partner may not understand and may feel threatened and fearful. Abandoned and afraid, and then what might ensue?

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Moushumi Ghose

Sex Therapist

Moushumi Ghose, MFT specializes in sex and relationships and is based in New York City and Los Angeles.

She is the host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to raising awarenes about sex, and sexuality, and has made several TV and media appearances including Hollywood Today The Girl Spot, Durex Condoms and Investigation Discoveries as a sex expert. 

Visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com

Subscribe to The Sex Talk Series at www.TheSexTalkSeries.com

Listen to podcasts at Sex, Love and Rock 'N' Roll Radio.

Mou is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon, and is currently writing her second book, about non-monogamous sex. 

Follow Moushumi on Twitter @MoushumiAmour and Facebook

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
Other Articles/News by Moushumi Ghose:

Yes! 6 Steps to Having Healthy Hook Ups

By

I read a lot of articles bashing "hook up culture" — its a term du jour, kind of like "menage a trois" was in the 80's — but this term unlike the latter, is not associated with being sex positive and it's usually not written about in a positive light. We live in a society where it often seems like we ... Read more

Why You Should Not Ignore The Symptoms of Painful Intercourse

By

Of the many psychological problems which interfere with sexual functioning, one of the most devastating and detrimental which can also have damaging effects on dating and relationships, not to mention self esteem, confidence, body image and so much more is having painful intercourse- a condition which is also known as vaginismus. Painful intercourse or ... Read more

The Benefits Of Surrogate Partner Therapy

By

As a psychotherapist, working with and specializing in sex and sexuality, I have had the honor of working with and observing the highly effective and life changing therapeutic process known as Surrogate Partner Therapy. What is Surrogate Partner Therapy, you ask? Well you may have seen the movie The Sessions, and perhaps the Showtime series Masters of Sex, ... Read more

See More

GET MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS IN YOUR INBOX!

Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Stories we love
FROM AROUND THE WEB