A) Say goodbye to what once was. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, or maybe it’s just a reminder. We grow and we change, and this means that our relationships must grow and change too. What this means is that the relationship you once had together, remember in the early days of passion, lust, late night phone calls, romance and excitement have now been replaced with security and comfort. It is time to let go of the old relationship. It is time to let go of the idea that it can be the way it once was. Those are fallacies, myths that we choose to hang onto. Yes, do keep the memories of how it used to be alive, and if you need to mourn the old days, but do definitely find a way to say goodbye to what once was.
B) Embrace what is positive in your relationship. This is easy and pretty common therapy-speak. You’ve got the kids, the house, the trust, the extended family, the comfort, the camaraderie, what have you. You know what is great about your relationship so embrace it.
C) Have a sex heart-to-heart. This is my favorite thing in the world, but it's not an easy one, espcially if your pattern is not to talk about sex. Chances are with all the life that has gone on over the years between you two, your communication has become more about the bills, the kids, the annoying colleagues, the pain in the butt sister-in-law and so on. Most people are not honest with their partners about what really rocks their boat. Many people think well, my partner either gets me or they don’t. They either have it or they don’t. Get this notion out of your head. The concept in a sex heart-to-heart is to bear your deepest darkest sexual desires to your partner. You let go of your fears, be vulnerable, and be a little brave. This is key for you and your partner to have an amazing sex life. This might not be a step you take right away, but it can be something you build up to.
You see, it’s not necessarily important how attracted you are to someone, but rather how skilled they are at meeting your needs. And, if you don’t break your needs down for them, then they are not getting an opportunity to fulfill them for you. No one is born with the capacity to read your mind, to fully know what makes you tick. Give your partner the opportunity to really, I mean, really get to know you, and your most kinky, kinkiest side.
To have a sex heart-to-heart, 1) find a neutral, quiet time to talk. This should not happen during sex, nor during any moment when you are being or getting intimate with your partner. 2) I suggest trying to do this somewhere neutral as well, not necessarily in the bedroom. 3) Tell your partner that lately you have some sexual fantasies you would like to share with, and in turn you hope s/he will share of his/her fantasies with you.