And, this brings me to step 3. Have a sex heart-to-heart. Chances are with all the life that has gone on over the years between you two, your communication has become more about the bills, the kids, the annoying colleagues, the pain in the butt sister-in-law and so on. Most people are not honest with their partners about what really rocks their boat. Many people think, well my partner either gets me or they don’t. They either have it or they don’t. Get this notion out of your head. The concept in a sex heart-to-heart is to bear your deepest darkest sexual desires to your partner. You let go of your fears, be vulnerable, and be a little brave. This is key for you and your partner to have an amazing sex life.
You see, it’s not necessarily important how attracted you are to someone, but rather how skilled they are at meeting your needs. And, if you don’t break your needs down for them, then they are not getting an opportunity to fulfill them for you. No one is born with the capacity to read your mind, to fully know what makes you tick. Give your partner the opportunity to really, I mean, really get to know you, and your most kinky, kinkiest side.
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To have a sex heart-to-heart, find a neutral, quiet time to talk. This should not happen during sex, nor during any moment when you are being or getting intimate with your partner. I suggest trying to do this somewhere neutral as well, not necessarily in the bedroom. Tell your partner that lately you have some sexual fantasies you would like to share with, and in turn you hope s/he will share of his/her fantasies with you.
I understand this might be hard, awkward, and embarrassing. Our sexual fantasies are personal, we are not always used to, nor open sharing them with people. This is where you take a deep breath, and commit yourself to being vulnerable, open and honest. Ask yourself if having a deeper intimate connection is important to you? If so go for it. Ideally your partner will follow your lead. And both of you can begin to have real, no holds-barred conversations about sex.
One great way of addressing desires and sexual fantasies in the bedroom is role-play. In role-play you and your partner can play different characters, and actually act out a fantasy that is arousing for you. Other ideas are dirty talk, reading erotica together, exploring use of different sex toys, etc. The list of ways to get creative with your partner is actually extensive.
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This sex heart-to-heart is a two-way street. It’s a conversation to get you and your partner started on getting both of your needs met, because neither of you are mind readers. He may want you to play a dominant role, while you are more aroused in a submissive role. The key is to hear your partner, and to take turns meeting each other’s needs, or to find creative ways to meet in the middle.