The Elusive Lover And The True Friend


The Elusive Lover And The True Friend
We have this human urge to stake a claim in what we see, and call it ours.

Here is what I want to reiterate: Ownership is not LOVE. Sure, I can see ownership as a social construct, thereby making the people we own, or our relationships as serving more than the purpose of being with someone we like, care about or enjoy spending time with, this person is seen then as more of an object, maybe eye candy, or a trophy girlfriend, wife or husband, or someone who raises our social status, someone who we want to love, who we want to love us back, their presence in our life being more self serving than it is about caring, love and friendship.

And if you are reading this article and find yourself operating from a place of the aforementioned scenarios, chasing someone, or wondering why their love eludes, I want you to take a step back and ask yourselves, do you truly and genuinely see this person as a friend? Someone you like, and care for despite the choices they make in their life? Are you willing and capable of taking a back seat and letting this person live his/her life, to do what is best for themselves and to allow them to seek happiness in any which way they deem appropriate? Are you a true friend to this person? Or are you needs based on selfish desire, which mask any and all friendship needs, overpowering any of their needs, and being truly selfish and self centered at it’s core? Did it occur to you that the reason they may be running away from you is because they do not feel comfortable around you, because your needs are not about them but are more about you? Perhaps you are not being a friend.


The key to any long lasting relationship is friendship. If you are chasing someone, and they are not reciprocating there is very little happening by way of friendship. Maybe the friendship is over, maybe it never was there to begin with. All you can do is take a step back, let this person know you are here for them as a friend whenever they need with no other expectations attached, and then let the cards fall where they may.

If friendship is not enough for you, and you want more, (IE if you say “I cannot be just friends”) for whatever reason (for example, maybe you believe that you are in love with them and cannot bear to see them with anyone else..) then you may not deserve to have this individual in your life. Getting out of a situation that does not work for you is key to self-care, self-esteem and self-preservation. Taking others' choices at face value, without questioning or judging is the sign of a good friend, and a good friend is at the core of a long -term relationship, friendship or otherwise. The choice is yours. How important is having this person in your life?

Coveting, ownership and possession of a person also operates like a caged animal perspective. No one wants to be held hostage or captive. We would resist being caged. We intuitively know when we don’t want to be owned. Remember the old saying, If you love someone, set them free. That is also what it means to be a true friend.

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This is an excerpt from her book Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Moushumi Ghose

Sex Therapist

Moushumi Ghose, MFT specializes in sex and relationships and is based in New York City and Los Angeles.

Mou is the host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to raising awarenes about sex, and sexuality, and has made several TV and media appearances including Hollywood Today The Girl Spot, Durex Condoms and Investigation Discoveries as a sex expert. 

Mou is the band leader, composer and voice of the rock band Ghosha.

Visit her website at

Subscribe to The Sex Talk Series at

Listen to podcasts at Sex, Love and Rock 'N' Roll Radio.

Mou is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon, and is currently writing her second book, about non-monogamous sex. 


Follow Moushumi on Twitter @MoushumiAmour and Facebook

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
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