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The Elusive Lover And The True Friend

We have this human urge to stake a claim in what we see, and call it ours.

We have this human urge to stake a claim in what we see, and call it ours.

The story is the same, only the names, dates and places change but the name of the game remains the same. Call it unrequited love, call it the one that got away, call it the '"She/he's just not that into you" syndrome, call it tainted love, it's the age old game of cat and mouse, one chases the other, one likes one more than the other, sadness, confusion, frustration at best, rejection, pain and humiliation at worst... and the common denominator, what is missing from much of these scenarios is the age old test of true compatibility....

The story is the same, only the names, dates and places change but the name of the game remains the same. Call it unrequited love, call it the one that got away, call it the '"She/he's just not that into you" syndrome, call it tainted love, it's the age old game of cat and mouse, one chases the other, one likes one more than the other, sadness, confusion, frustration at best, rejection, pain and humiliation at worst... and the common denominator, what is missing from much of these scenarios is the age old test of true compatibility.... Friendship.

Lack of genuine caring for the other individual, an idealized romanticized perception of who the person really is and a fantasy, often, romanticized and idealized version of what the relationship could be, was or is is often at the core of what we call unrequited love. There is also a lack of understanding, knowing, and often perhaps even a true caring of who the person, IE the chasee, what they are thinking, what they are doing and ultimately who they really are. The elusive lover is often coveted, and when this individual rejects the chaser or the covetor of this so-called-love, it is the rejecter, the humiliator, the embarraser (whatever you wish to call him/her), who is then made out to be the bad guy, the complicated one, the confusing one.

You see, the illusion is the killer. Our hearts fall prey to excitement and the moment, the romance, the idealized image of who this person is, what the relationship could be, and who you two could be together. And most often these aforementioned scenarios come with a very selfish sense of desire and need, the need to covet, own, possess, claim, etc… you get the picture, the object of your desire. Key word: Object. We have this human urge, and maybe this is based on societal pressure, to find our one true love, or soul mate, but what kicks in is a selfish desire to stake a claim in what exists, in what we think we want and see, and then to make it ours. Essentially to “Make it mine!”

Here is what I want to reiterate: Ownership is not LOVE. Sure, I can see ownership as a social construct, thereby making the people we own, or our relationships as serving more than the purpose of being with someone we like, care about or enjoy spending time with, this person is seen then as more of an object, maybe eye candy, or a trophy girlfriend, wife or husband, or someone who raises our social status, someone who we want to love, who we want to love us back, their presence in our life being more self serving than it is about caring, love and friendship.

And if you are reading this article and find yourself operating from a place of the aforementioned scenarios, chasing someone, or wondering why their love eludes, I want you to take a step back and ask yourselves, do you truly and genuinely see this person as a friend? Someone you like, and care for despite the choices they make in their life? Are you willing and capable of taking a back seat and letting this person live his/her life, to do what is best for themselves and to allow them to seek happiness in any which way they deem appropriate? Are you a true friend to this person? Or are you needs based on selfish desire, which mask any and all friendship needs, overpowering any of their needs, and being truly selfish and self centered at it’s core? Did it occur to you that the reason they may be running away from you is because they do not feel comfortable around you, because your needs are not about them but are more about you? Perhaps you are not being a friend.

The key to any long lasting relationship is friendship. If you are chasing someone, and they are not reciprocating there is very little happening by way of friendship. Maybe the friendship is over, maybe it never was there to begin with. All you can do is take a step back, let this person know you are here for them as a friend whenever they need with no other expectations attached, and then let the cards fall where they may.

If friendship is not enough for you, and you want more, (IE if you say “I cannot be just friends”) for whatever reason (for example, maybe you believe that you are in love with them and cannot bear to see them with anyone else..) then you may not deserve to have this individual in your life. Getting out of a situation that does not work for you is key to self-care, self-esteem and self-preservation. Taking others' choices at face value, without questioning or judging is the sign of a good friend, and a good friend is at the core of a long -term relationship, friendship or otherwise. The choice is yours. How important is having this person in your life?

Coveting, ownership and possession of a person also operates like a caged animal perspective. No one wants to be held hostage or captive. We would resist being caged. We intuitively know when we don’t want to be owned. Remember the old saying, If you love someone, set them free. That is also what it means to be a true friend.
 

Connect with Mou at www.LASexTherapist.com

This is an excerpt from her book Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon.

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