Clinging to What We Know - Even if It's Unhealthy

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Clinging to What We Know - Even if It's Unhealthy
3 Reasons We Stay in Unhealthy Relationships and What to Do

Another reason people stay is because they are attached to the fantasy of the relationship, what is was once, or what it is supposed to be. They convince themselves of the importance of being true to their word, committed to their promises, especially if this is a marriage, or if there are kids, mortgage or some other attachments involved. Many people take their commitment quite seriously. Which is definitely a consideration to make. But, if this is you, I urge you to ask yourself what good you are doing by staying in a situation which is potentially harmful to you because it is also 9 times out of 10 also potentially harmful to your partner as well? In most cases, where one person feels neglected, punished, ignored, rejected, criticized, (insert negative adjective here) is the person on the other end, who may also very likely be feeling the same way and/or is acting in a way that is not in his/her best light either. There is also two sides to every coin, just as there are two persons (minimum) in every relationship. If one person is struggling, the other person is too, because the system is broken. By staying you are allowing this broken system to persist, and you and your partner are both being robbed of the opportunity to become better people.

And finally, the last reason people stay is out of financial necessity. This is the position with the least resources. If this is you, the fear of being homeless may be a real threat, and that is for you to know and decide. Finding resources for support may include finding food, shelter and clothing, and is obviously not to be taken lightly. But many also stay in this position because of a variety of other reasons, they have little to do with survival and more to do with such things as ego, saving face and/or loss of status. So, although it is important to find reliable resources within your community if survival is key, it is also important to ask yourself what you could realistically get by on.

Whatever your reason for staying stuck in a situation that is ill-suited for you, there is a professional term now to describe your situation, also often called Love Addiction, the label suggests you are staying in a situation which clearly is not good for you because you are addicted to some quality of it. This is where your work comes in.

Breaking Free:

If you find yourself in this situation the first step is acknowledging something is broken. If you've tried couples therapy but are still hitting a wall this list is for you:
1. Ask yourself what are you getting out of this situation? Make a list of pros and cons about the relationship. Obviously the cons outweighing the pros is a sign something might be amiss. But even more so, if the list of pros avoiding something like fear of being alone, poor, single?
2. Ask yourself what you are truly afraid of? Make a list of the scary "what ifs" that you truly fear, as these might also be the culprit as to what keeps you stuck.
3. Ask yourself what is important to you? Make an honest list of the things which you value in life. Do these resonate within your relationship?
4. Take an honest look at your life, look at the big picture and the small picture.
5. Get professional help, meaning join a Love Addictions group or see a therapist to help you understand why you are staying, and what your options are.

 

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Moushumi Ghose is a Los Angeles based psychotherapist who specilazes in sex, relationships, couples therapy, alternative lifestyles and modern relationships. She also specializes in LGBTQI, non-monogamy, polyamory and open relationships.

She can be found at www.LASexTherapist.com

She is the host of The Sex Talk Series - a webseries about sex, dating, and relationships.

Follow her on Twitter or Facebook.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Moushumi Ghose

Sex Therapist

Moushumi Ghose, MFT specializes in sex and relationships and is based in New York City and Los Angeles.

She is the host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to raising awarenes about sex, and sexuality, and has made several TV and media appearances including Hollywood Today The Girl Spot, Durex Condoms and Investigation Discoveries as a sex expert. 

Visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com

Subscribe to The Sex Talk Series at www.TheSexTalkSeries.com

Listen to podcasts at Sex, Love and Rock 'N' Roll Radio.

Mou is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon, and is currently writing her second book, about non-monogamous sex. 

Follow Moushumi on Twitter @MoushumiAmour and Facebook

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
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