5. Touch while talking. Holding your partner’s hand, putting your hand on his/her knee can remind you and your partner that you are on his/her side, and that you two are in this together.
6. Avoid language and behavior such as:
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- Blaming, and criticizing. A quick way to remember this is to avoid saying “you,” and to instead focus the statements on yourself and your feelings, and being positive. “I would like to….” “I feel unattractive lately and worried about our sex life.”
- Words like “should” or “need to” which could sound like you know more than your partner, are judging their actions, or that you are giving advice. These types of statements can lead to feelings of resentment and power struggle. The key is to maintain balance in the relationship.
- “Why” questions, such as “Why does it take you so long to orgasm?”; “Why don’t you ever initiate?” Instead try, “I would love it if we could take turns initiating,” or “what,” “who,” “when,” “where” and “how”; “What would you like me to do to you?”
- Talking right after sex. Find a quiet time when you are not rushed, or too angry to have a calm talk.
- Absolute statements, such as “never” and “always,” such as, “I never have an orgasm with you.” This may be true but it creates defensiveness, and quite often these are exaggerations. Instead try, “I would like to find a way for us to achieve orgasm together.”
7. Compliments. Compliments are a big part of positive talk. It’s important for our partners to feel recognized, and appreciated. I recommend a minimum of three compliments a day. The best way to catch a bee is with sugar.
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The thing to remember is to be positive, supportive and non-judgmental. And, if this doesn’t work it’s a good idea to contact a mental health professional or sex therapist to help guide you on your way.