Sometimes it may seem that the one sexual issue in the relationship is at the root of our arguements, anger, frustration and resentment that seems to be building in the relationship. Yes, this in fact may seem true, especially when sexual issues can be really hard to talk about.
I've found, however, that while disagreements about sex may seem to be the hang up, there are often underlying issues and feelings that are circulating over and over in the relationship that seem to get caught up or stuck when it comes to the sex stuff.
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On the one hand, I definitely think that as a society we were never schooled with the right techniques, or information for that matter, when it comes to sex and how to talk about it and deal with sexual issues when they come up. And on the other hand, I don't think we ever really truly are taught how to communicate with each other, in general. I think that we are either too polite and not assertive enough, which leads to not stating our needs enough, or the other extreme, being overly self-oriented or self-indulgent. It's hard to strike a balance.
So, I've gathered up the top communication techniques most therapists consider to be the best kept secrets in the field. Whether it be about sex or something else, in the end these techniques can lead to more satifying personal and intimate relationships, sexual and/or not and may make giving and recieving much easier and fulfilling. And in terms of sex, you'll have to get the education elsewhere. But do get educated on sex, and do so with your partner if you have to. I have many articles on the subject of sex on this site so feel free to peruse them.
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With that said, disagreements about sex is common in relationships. Due to a lot of the myths we have likely been taught or raised with such as, “Sex should be natural and spontaneous. It’s not natural to talk about sex,” or, “Sex is bad” (or “dirty”), or, “Talking about sex takes the romance and mystery out of it,” we also often lack the skills when it comes to talking about sex. We often feel scared, unprepared, and awkward when talking about sex, and the outcome is often, unfortunately and to the detriment of our relationship and lives, avoidance or defensiveness when it comes to talking about sex.
Variations about sexual wants and desires are common. The main key is to learn to talk about these issues in a way that is not angry and defensive, but supportive and positive, so that couples can get past whatever issues are plaguing their relationship and sex life and start enjoying not just sex again, but each other in the process.