4 Tiny Rules That Separate Couples Who Fight And Those Who Don't

How to end the arguments and bring the love back.

By Laura Brown
Last updated on Mar 04, 2024

Photo: junce, pixelshot | Canva

While many characterize arguing as an act that lacks compassion or consciousness, I claim that arguing during a relationship is as natural as breathing. Arguing is a way of clearing and cleansing the emotional and mental space that exists between two people. It’s a way of establishing boundaries, connecting to one’s voice, and accepting that all emotions, even anger or frustration are part of the human experience — rather than things to avoid. Arguing, when done right, can do wonders for bringing two people closer together. It's when arguments become fights that matters become increasingly dirty and ultimately destructive.

Here are 4 tiny rules that separate couples who fight all the time and those who don't:

1. They're respectful of each other's time

Before we approach one another, my husband and I try to feel out if the timing is on point. What we say is often just as important as when we say it. It's always advisable to check in with your partner to make sure that now is a good time to talk. This establishes that even when you have something to discuss you are respectful of the other person and their time.

2. They watch their words

In many instances, arguments turn into fights because of the words that we use. If I approach my husband saying “YOU made me feel _____ when you did _____,” his immediate reaction is going to be a defensive one. If, however, I approach him in a way that owns my feelings such as saying “I felt ____ when you did _____,” it allows me to state how I feel while not triggering a defensive response. Chances are your partner would be willing to take responsibility for their behavior, as well as give you the spaciousness to have your feelings heard.

3. They stay on topic

One of the slipperiest slopes to traverse in an argument is delving into the past. When we go from staying on the topic and moving into issues from our past we are moving away from finding solutions and creating an ego-oriented need to be right. Instead, stick to the issue at hand, and if there are still unresolved issues from the past, address them at another time when you can devote the conversation entirely to that topic.

4. They never give ultimatums

Everyone has boundaries and everyone has a right to establish those boundaries for themselves. But just as you have yours, your partner has their own as well. Rather than demanding that your partner does something, ask them. When we make a request, rather than a demand, we acknowledge that this is not a power struggle but two people working together to help a relationship reach its fullest potential. Let's be honest: no one exactly looks forward to an argument. But when done healthily, these discussions can bring us closer to those we care for, and create room for not just resolution but healing.