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How to subtly show someone love in a way he cherishes.
By Mitzi Bockmann — Last updated on Feb 15, 2024
So you are in love. Isn’t it wonderful? Every day you share with your person is a new and wonderful day. You hope that you feel like this forever. Unfortunately, you won’t. That early, heady love is amazing but it’s not sustainable. Doctors say that if people felt the way they do in the first 6 months of a relationship forever, it would kill them. Too many endorphins can damage the heart. Ironic, no? Fortunately, the next phase of love — settling in for the long game — can be a wonderful thing too...if you do it right. Here are 5 ways how to show someone you truly love them.
Men go crazy for women who show them affection in these 5 little ways:
1. Love them as they want to be loved
I truly believe that the best tool in a successful relationship is Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. The premise behind his book is that there are 5 love languages, and 5 ways that people express and receive love: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, and Giving of Gifts. For each person, one of those things is the thing that makes them feel the most loved when they are done unto them. When a partner tries to love them using a different love language, they don’t feel loved.
My love language is Quality Time — I feel loved when someone is truly present with me, listening to me, focusing on me. My ex-husband’s love language was Physical Touch — he felt love when I was holding his hand, hugging him, or, yep, that too. Unfortunately, the language that we spoke best with each other was Acts of Service — we did things for each other, like changing the oil in the car or going to the grocery store. Stuff got done but neither of us felt loved.
2. Forgive them
There is nothing more insidious in a relationship than not forgiving someone for a wrong. And for some reason, couples who love each other are really good at not forgiving each other. If someone does something wrong nothing they can do will make up for that wrong. And that wrong will be played out verbally over and over again...forever. People are only human. We do things that hurt people. Rarely do we do things to hurt someone on purpose. And yet, in relationships, we often take the thing that someone does so personally that we refuse to believe that they didn’t set out to hurt us. And that is unforgivable.
I have a client whose partner was so late getting home one night that he missed a date they had planned. He was delayed at work and then got stuck in traffic and it was a disaster. She took it personally. "If you loved me," she said. "You would have gotten home on time." And she truly believed what she said. The reality is that he does love her. He just didn’t allow enough time. And he blew it, but he does love her. And she needs to understand that. And it makes it easier to forgive. He was late. He didn’t plan well. He blew it. And he does love her. Of course, another piece of forgiveness is that the wrongdoer must apologize for the hurt caused. Because therein lies the issue that will carry forth forever — the hurt. Not so much the actions but the resulting feelings. So don’t take things personally. And apologize for the hurt. Forgive and move on.
3. Support their goals
I know it has happened to all of us that our partner comes up with some pie-in-the-sky idea that is the new driving force in their lives. It’s exciting and new and all they want to talk about. And I am sure it has happened to all of us that we think our partner’s new idea is crazy. I remember in college, my soccer-playing, skiing, manly-man of a boyfriend turned to me after a dance performance and announced that he wanted to be a dancer.
I laughed in his face. This was 30 years ago and I still remember the hurt look in his eyes. He never became a dancer. To this day, I wish I had supported him. That’s what people who love each other do for each other. He might never have become a dancer but having the person who loved him believe in him would have been such a gift, and even better, was not being on the receiving end of my derision. So support them. No matter what.
4. Don’t be critical
You know how you feel when you go to visit your in-laws and your mother-in-law makes some passive-aggressive, disparaging comment about something you did? Do you know how bad that makes you feel? And you don’t even really like your mother-in-law. So imagine what your partner, who loves you, must feel like when you are critical of them. I have a client whose wife gives him the one over every time they are headed out the door. She asks him if his hair is out of place if his shirt is right or if he is carrying the right bag for the task ahead. And while she is quick to say, "Your pants have a hole in them", she never says, "You are perfect today, honey, thank you."
My client at first tried to anticipate what his wife might want but as time went on he only felt resentment towards her criticism. He started not only making choices that he knew would antagonize her, but he ignored whatever she mentioned at the door. So be careful not to be critical. If you have something to say, say it with love. And if it doesn’t need to be said, don’t say it. Life will go on if his hair isn’t just right.
5. Never show contempt
If there is one thing that kills love, it’s contempt. You need to do everything that you can to keep it out of your relationship. Contempt seems to rear its ugly head when wrongs fester because you don’t forgive each other, when being critical is the norm, and respect is lost. Contempt manifests itself with derisive comments about your partner — comments about who they are as a person.
My ex-husband had a really hard time getting things done around the house. I told him, over and over, that if he was my employee, I would fire him. And I wouldn’t say it lovingly. I would say it dismissively, almost with a wave of my hand. I can only imagine how it must have felt to be on the receiving end of my contempt. Therapists say that when they see contempt in a relationship they know that it’s close to over. So if you find yourself acting contemptuously, stop, assess, and figure out what needs to be done. Don’t let contempt kill love because it will.
Of course, there are obvious ways to show someone that you love them. You hug them and kiss them and are intimate with them and tell them that they are wonderful and hang out with their friends and visit their mother. All of those things are an excellent way to show someone you love them. But they will have a hard time accepting your love if you aren’t willing to forgive them, if you can’t support them, and are constantly critical of them. Back up your kisses with words and actions and they will know that you are the one for them.
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Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.