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Being part of a happy couple doesn't just happen.
By Mitzi Bockmann
Last updated on Feb 14, 2024
Do you have those friends of yours who always look so happy together and deeply in love? The ones who you know don't just look happy but are happy in their relationship? What do they know that you don’t about a healthy relationship? That's always the question whispered among those who wish they could be so happy. If you want to have an awesome relationship and be happily in love with your partner, you've got to discover the secrets the happiest couples already know.
Here are 5 rare secrets couples follow to have the happiest, healthiest relationships possible:
1. Have a healthy sex life
Let’s start with the obvious one. Every happily married couple has a sex life to suit them. There is no exact formula for how much sex a couple must have to be happy. Instead, each couple needs to decide what is best for them. Talk about it, and play around to meet each other’s sexual needs so both are excited. Maybe your person wants to have sex every night, and while you like having sex with them, every night doesn’t work for you.
You might rebuff their advances, which makes them feel bad, but try this instead: Talk to them about it. Explain how you feel. Agree on what works for you both, like deciding you'll be the instigator and you'll instigate more often. That could make you happy! So tick this one off of your list. Talk to your partner about your sex life and make a plan to make it work well for both of you.
2. Share the chores equally
I have known many, many married couples. I have known many, many divorced couples. What differentiating factor exists between the two? Equality in the execution of chores. My 15-year-old daughter surveyed the school once. Who were the happiest parents among her friend group? She discovered those who shared the household chores, particularly the meal planning, were the happiest.
Why? Because chores are a bone of contention for many couples. Huge. What usually happens is the person in charge delegates the chores to their spouse. The person in charge has expectations about the execution of the chore, and if it’s not done within the expected time or in an expected way, tensions flare. The delegator takes it personally and lashes out, and the executor is left bewildered because they had no idea what the expectations were. If both people are responsible for the delegation and execution of the chores, then a huge issue disappears. Things get done or don’t, and both partners are responsible.
So, my daughter reported my ex-husband’s and my decision to divide and conquer (he would work, and I would run the house) was the deciding factor in the failure of our marriage. My sister-in-law and her husband equally shared home responsibilities and are living happily ever after. I wish my daughter had done this research earlier.
:Photo: 4 PM production via Shutterstock
3. Have inside jokes
What? How can that be? It is such a little thing. Happy couples are like a little island unto themselves. Sure, they have families, friends, jobs, and responsibilities, but they also have jokes only they share, inside jokes.
Imagine this. You and your spouse are at a family BBQ. Tensions are flying over something. Politics, perhaps. Then, your father-in-law says something, the thing he always says. The thing you and your spouse have whispered about at night. You meet eyes as the statement is made, and you connect. You smile, nod, and go on with the day with a warm feeling in your tummy. Connection is what real love is about. And having a secret is super fun. So having an inside joke, a combination of the two, can’t be beaten for keeping couples close.
4. Dream big together
Happy couples are couples who not only dream big but dream big together. Remember when you were young and falling in love? Hours talking about the future, the jobs, the house, the kids, the happily ever after. And then life happens. Day-to-day living gets in the way of those dreams.
But not for happy couples. Happy couples still dream together. It might be little things, like dreaming of a movie date on Friday, but they dream together and work as a team to get it done. So dream big. Or small. But dream together.
5. Put each other first
Yes, yes, I know. There are so many critical things in our lives these days. Making money is one of the first that comes to mind. Making sure our children grow into successful adults is another. And then there is exercise. And friends. And hobbies. And your phone. All of these are important. When you no longer have a partner, you realize none of these matters because you don’t have a partner.
So make your partner your priority every day. Work is important, but so is getting home for date night. Saturday morning 15-mile run? Go for it! But if you could instead spend the morning alone with your spouse, consider it.
A movie night with friends? Bring your spouse instead. The phone put it down. Consider all the good to come from making your spouse a priority. Connection, laughter, physical affection, goodwill, sex, happiness. Arguably more life-enhancing than the money and the muscles and the children with a perfect score on their SATs.
Being part of a happy couple doesn't just happen. Like all the best things in life, it takes a concerted effort. The effort at work pays off with a raise. The effort at the gym pays off with muscles. Why not make an effort with your partner and be one of those happy couples? So go home, look your spouse in the eye and kiss them hard, throw your dirty clothes in the hamper, laugh about the co-worker you love to hate, talk about a trip away together next month, make love, and fall asleep happy. It will all be worth it.
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Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.
This article was originally published at Let Your Dreams Begin. Reprinted with permission from the author.