I’ve talked to some clients that would rather trade in their cush desk job to work in a barn for six months than talk about sexuality with their partners! Most people don’t know where to begin with the conversation and are completely fine not ever bringing it up. However, you both are missing big opportunities to get closer by not discussing it.
Here are some tools on how to navigate through these conversations:
1.) First things first and this is crucial. Try to hide your WTF face. If you want to foster a safe place to talk about sexuality, it starts with you and your facial expressions. 70% of how we communicate is non-verbal. How you react to your mate will determine how much they open up to you. The moment they open up and start divulging intimate secrets about wanting to have sex with a fair maiden side straddle on a donkey may sound repulsive or just plain shocking (and both they may be) but give yourself some time to process before responding hastily. Try to keep in mind your mate is probably already on edge and nervous about being that vulnerable with you and having a supportive face on will help continued conversations around sexuality.
2.) Avoid directly attacking their sexuality with remarks like “you’re too much” or “I’ll never be able to keep up” and “where did you come from?!” As soon as these comments start flying, immediately follows shame swooping in, making your mate feel abnormal. If you’re slightly low desire and he/she is high desire, you don’t want to make them feel like their needs are a burden on the relationship or if it’s reversed you don’t want to feel like there is something wrong with you for being low desire. Respect your desire levels.
3.) Remember, fantasy is fantasy. If your partner is opening up to you about fantasies, they may sound shocking but most of the time, fantasies are best played out in our oh-so-creative imagination. They aren’t always things we’d really like to happen. *If they do have concerning fantasies about hurting other people, themselves, animals, children – feel free to show your WTF face and terminate as necessary!
4.) Lastly, if your mate does open up about something new they’d like to try in the bedroom that you’re uncomfortable with before you rush to a solid no, do a little research on the topic. If you lead with all “no’s” in the bedroom that will halt any further communication or adventure to your sexual relationship. ** I am by no means saying you should ever feel pressured to do anything you’re not comfortable with but we all hate what we don’t understand. Just make sure you see both sides before you say no, understand what people love about what your mate is asking, what people don’t and to clearly research any health factors.
Be sure to follow me on Twitter @jennatimetweets and visit www.jennatime.com for more information on healthy sexuality.