10 Signs Your Emotional Baggage Is Too Heavy For A Relationship

By

10 Signs Your Emotional Baggage Is Too Heavy For A Relationship
I have issues. You have issues. We all have issues! The important part is how we deal with them.

You don't have to be single to wonder whether or not you are ready for a great relationship. In fact, millions of people who aren't really ready find themselves in the middle of relationships. Regardless of your status, you should know the  signs that indicate you aren't ready for what you are doing, or about to do. Once you understand your limitations, then you can go to work on them and ready yourself for a real, loving relationship. Read on to learn the signs that may cause trouble in paradise. 

1. You Blame First, Defend Second
Something goes wrong. What's your first instinct? For many of us, it is to seek someone or something to blame other than ourselves. This may be human nature. It is the next step that really kills relationships. After initially blaming your partner, you set up a wall of defenses to lock the blame in place. Acting defensively automatically turns your partner into an enemy. It's hard to be emotionally intimate with an enemy.

 

If your initial reaction is to blame, then put all of your efforts on letting go of defensiveness to act like a team player. 

2. You Think You Own The Other Person
You're in a relationship, so you introduce the others as, "My wife, my husband, my girlfriend, my partner, etc…"

There are two ways to think of the word "My".

  • A. Mine is a term of endearment. My dearest, my beloved. You are mine in that I love you.
  • B. I OWN you!

Using "my" or "mine" in the sense of ownership is risky business. You are my husband, so you have to do what I say. You are my wife, so you have to put up with me. I own you, so you have to cooperate. Not!

Investing in endearment leads to intimacy. Investing in ownership leads to conflict.

3. You Can't Receive Constructive Criticism 
Does your romantic partner have some feedback for you? Does she have to call in National Guard in order to help make her point? Being open to feedback and constructive criticism is essential in any partnership. In a romantic partnership, such feedback can hit home in devastating ways. For example, perhaps your partner is not satisfied in bed and wants you to step up your game. If you respond like this, you are not able to receive feedback. "How dare you suggest I am anything but a total God in bed! If you're not satisfied, it has nothing to do with me!"

Again, defensiveness isn't going to solve the problem and neither is hanging onto your false sense of superiority. Work together with your partner to resolve these issues and improve your mutual experience of being together.

4. You Agree First, Stab In The Back Second
Ah, the passive aggressive. You think you want to avoid conflict, so you agree with whatever your partner says. Then, you proceed to do whatever you originally had in mind. This, of course, causes a massive conflict! It also destroys your emotional connection and makes an untrustworthy liar out of you. No one wants to be in a relationship with an untrustworthy liar.

5. You Think Your Friends Are All That
Putting friends and social life in front of your primary relationship is a common way to avoid the problems — and the intimacy — of that relationship. Social butterflies, both men and women, sometimes need to learn that making a romantic commitment means letting go of some other commitments. Refusing to scale back your social life in favor of an intimate partnership may mean that you aren't ready.

6. You Have Lazy-Slobbish-Disgusting-Child Syndrome
I don't know if this syndrome is listed in the DSM-V, but it means that you think it’'s funny to pass gas, belch, swear like a sailor, pee on the toilet seat, leave your dirty underwear lying around, chew with your mouth open and generally make a childish nuisance of yourself in front of your partner.

You may even think her disgust is cute. It's not. Her disgust means she actually finds you to be a disgusting person. Next, you'll want her to make love to you, right? If she does, she might be grossed out by that, too, thinking back on your antics throughout the day while you are getting your thrills at her expense. Clean it up if you want a mature relationship. 

7. You Are A Selfish, Petty, Grandiose Narcissist
Partnership is sharing a life together. Sharing a life means sharing stuff, sharing time, sharing emotions, and sharing responsibility. It will involve some sacrifice of your individual desires. That sacrifice should pay dividends, as the two of you are creating something beyond what either of you could do alone. So, you can't keep all of your selfish desires satisfied while simultaneously working toward your mutual goals. 

Have you ever been around a narcissist? It's feelings shockingly dismissive. If you partner is feeling this way, then your relationship is a ticking time bomb, believe it or not.

8. You're A Whiner!
Things go wrong. What are you going to do? Fix them and work together to do your best as a team. If you tend to whine like a mule, that will break down your team. Now, in addition to dealing with problems, your partner is dealing with a whiner. Whining is a sign of immaturity and it doesn't serve a purpose in a healthy relationship. Keep reading...

More relationship coach advice on YourTango:

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Mike Bundrant

Life Coach

Mike Bundrant is author of the new book, Your Achilles Eel: Discover and Overcome the Hidden Cause of Negative Emotions, Bad Decisions and Self-Sabotage.

Watch the free video The AHA! Process: An End to Self-Sabotage and discover the lost keys to personal transformation and emotional well-being.

The information in this video has been called the missing link in mental health and personal development. In a world full of shallow, quick-fix techniques and second rate psychology, real solutions have become nearly impossible to find. This presentation will turn your world upside down.

Mike Bundrant is co-founder of the iNLP Center and host of Mental Health Exposed, a Natural News Radio program.

Location: Murrieta, CA
Credentials: LPC
Other Articles/News by Mike Bundrant:

4 Reasons Your Man Doesn't Appreciate You

By

Are you suffering from lack of appreciation from your man? If so, you may find the following perspective on men to be very enlightening. It might even spur you into action to get the appreciation you deserve. It's part of a larger work that I am involved in writing. I thought I'd test it out here to discover what you think. There is actually a lot ... Read more

Emotional Benefits Of Lying And Cheating: Research Tells All

By

Lying and cheating are so commonplace that you probably don't have to look far to find them. In fact, your own neighborhood and perhaps your own household is full of it. Why does lying, cheating and dishonesty persist? We all know it causes pain, right? Not so fast. Researchers have been looking into the positive emotional benefits of cheating. ... Read more

'I Hate My Husband!' See How This Woman's Confession Changed Her

By

Do you sometimes think you hate your husband? Can you become filled with resentment and bitterness when he walks into the room? Do you cringe when he touches you? Do you daydream of a life that is far different than your own? Debbie, a client of mine, confessed, "I hate my husband." Debbie was someone with whom I had a very strong coach-client ... Read more

See More

 
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular