10 Tips for a Sane Divorce

By

10 Tips for a Sane Divorce
The difference in perspectives of the initiator and the non-initiator

10 Tips for a Sane Divorce
Micki McWade, LMSW
Psychotherapist and Collaborative Divorce Coach
Author of Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On: a Twelve Step Guide to Divorce Recovery and Daily Meditations for Surviving a Breakup, Separations or Divorce

 

Maintaining sanity during divorce, while large waves of unpredictable and conflicting emotions rise and fall, is an enormous personal challenge. Remaining sane and grounded, however, is our adult responsibility regardless of the temptation to think and act otherwise. Children need their parents more than ever and work responsibilities continue.
The definition of, and suggestions for maintaining sanity during a divorce differ, depending on whether you are the initiator of the divorce or the one who is left. The emotional state and perspectives are quite different. Here are some suggestions for each perspective…
FOR THE INITIATOR
1. Realize that you are further along emotionally than your spouse. Usually the initiating spouse has considered this decision for some time before the announcement is made to his or her spouse.
2. Remember that rejection is always a negative experience. Even though there may have been discussion about the marriage not working well, hope for future improvement is usually present and the initial announcement of divorce is experienced as a shock.
3. Anticipate change. Your spouse will have his or her own needs, so no one gets everything she or he wants. The expectation that life will be the same after divorce, with the exception of your spouse being gone, is unrealistic. For longer marriages, property will be divided and the children’s time will be shared with the other parent. Children will have their own surprising reactions.
4. Expect conflicting emotions. Divorce is a huge life transition with surprises all along the way. Even if you are the one who wants the divorce, feelings of loss are inevitable. Those who are already seeing another person may not realize this at first but unraveling a significant relationship is painful.
5. Allow your children to adjust to the separation for at least a year before introducing them to a new partner. Introducing someone new before the separation agreement is signed can wreak havoc in divorce negotiations and will be painful for the children. Your happiness about the new person does not mean the kids will be happy about it.

Keep reading...

More Juicy Content From YourTango:

This article was originally published at Huffington Post. Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Micki McWade

Divorce Coach

Micki McWade, LMSW

914 557-2900

Offices in Manhattan, Mt. Kisco and Fishkill NY

mickimcwade.com

The practice of peace and reconciliation is one of the most vital and artistic of human actions. —Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Location: Mt, Kisco, NY
Credentials: CSW, LMSW, MSW
Other Articles/News by Micki McWade:

Single & Ready To Mingle? How To Tell Your Kids You're Moving On

By

Dating after divorce isn't easy, but most of the time it's even harder for your kids. Regardless of whether you and your ex-spouse have been separated for awhile, the wound may still be fresh for your children; there's a possibility that your children are holding onto the hope that you'll get back together someday. Because it may ... Read more

PARENTING THROUGH DIVORCE SERIES: Protecting the Kids, Article1.

By

A client had a common question for me this morning, and it made me think about sharing our exchange with readers at YourTango. Here's the truth: you can’t be too smart while going through divorce. The more you know about children and divorce, the better. You can avoid doing unintentional damage by learning as much as you can now. It's easier to ... Read more

Creating Successfully Blended Families

By

After perhaps a long dry spell of emotional deprivation, you finally find your soul mate and are in love with the person of your dreams! Elated and full of enthusiasm, you dream about how you will share your lives one day in a blended family. There will be someone to come home to. You will be part of a family again, instead of living alone as a single parent, ... Read more

See More

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

FROM AROUND THE WEB