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Marital Conflicts Spiral Downward: Do You Seek to Understand or Blame?

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Marital Conflicts Spiral Downward: Do You Seek to Understand or Blame?

You know how when you have a problem in your marriage and you want it fixed, things sometimes get worse when you bring it up? Here's the problem: a lot of times you just want to be right and prove your spouse wrong, you get caught up in the details instead of the bigger picture, and you focus on who is to blame and needs to change.

1. Arguing to be right and prove your spouse wrong always leaves you both feeling so much better, right? Of course not. That's why this leads to your downward spiral. You start to feel pessimistic about your marriage and wonder if you've made the wrong choice, even if you've been together for many years. You become a lawyer instead of a loving spouse, determined to prove your honey wrong so you can be right.

More from YourTango: Survey: When Would You Seek Help for Your Relationship

2. So many times when you get caught up in the details of who said and did what you miss what is really important. That's the bigger picture. When you want to be right, your memory can play tricks on you and you begin to believe that what you remember is the absolute, accurate truth. Guess what? It never is 100% accurate.

3. You look for blame instead of looking for a way to resolve the conflict so that you both win. Life is so much simpler when you know who's fault it is. When you've figured that out, everything is just wonderful. Right. Negotiating and looking for the solution to the problem is time-consuming and demands work from both of you. Ask yourself what you'd rather have: a peaceful relationship or one in which someone is always wrong and at fault?

As you can see, there are many ways to create, maintain, and escalate conflicts in your marriage. I've just named three. I hope this isn't the case in your marriage, but if it is, you are not crazy. You just don't have the tools you need to create the relationship you want. Relationship Coaching can help you get your marriage back on track and teach you how to co-create your ideal relationship together.

More from YourTango: Fear and Hatred Replay in Adult Relationships

If you are in a downward spiral and need help getting your relationship back on track, I would love to help. Contact me to set up a complimentary Get Acquainted session. This session is done over the phone. During this session we will talk about your needs, desires, and goals and figure out together which program you would be best suited for. Not ready for coaching quite yet? No problem! You can join me on any of my Ask Michelle Anything calls/webinars by signing up at http://askmichelleanything.com.

I invite you to sign up now to receive my free report on the Seven Deadly Habits and how they can destroy your relationship. In this report I talk about what you can do differently so you can reduce the tension in your relationship and create a more loving marriage for you and your spouse. Get it now at http://trueloverelationshipcoaching.com.

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