Is kink for amateurs?
Lately, I've noticed something odd while attempting to 'date.' Initially, the men I've been meeting say they want closeness, affection, even deep intimacy, but then it's soon revealed that they want something more — something I usually can't (or won't) give them.
What they want is a fantasy. What they want is kink.
Now, I will cop to my part in this equation: it's become very clear to me that I do not want a partner (right now). Yes, I very much want to be with someone I deeply love. Love is both an aspect of my life purpose and my life lesson. That being said, I trust my inner guidance, which has a divine sense of timing. My guidance has been saying, "Not now. He's coming — later. Be patient." So I'm attracting guys who aren't totally available because I'm not totally available. The law of attraction in action.
Let's go back to the kink thing. Regardless of my part in this dating distraction, I am astounded at the degree to which people profess the desire for intimacy, but when it comes right down to some simple eye contact and a close-body hug, Elvis has left the building. But oh boy, the stuff these guys want to talk about. Three-ways with hookers, hook ups with their ex-girlfriends (I have the lucky option to participate or 'watch) — the list goes on and on and on and on.
Here's the thing: I have no issue with kink. I think people should let their sexual freak flag fly high. My issue is that at this point in my life, I find all that extra activity not only boring but simply too much work. Just attempting to set up a three-way — all that coordination, STD testing, hurt feelings — does anyone really have the time?
I was wild in my 20s. I suppose I might be up for some kink again one day — but FIRST, I want a connection established. I want intimacy. Why? Because kink is for amateurs; intimacy is for professionals.
Let me say it another way. Intimacy is the NEW kink. Intimacy requires courage. Intimacy requires vulnerability. Intimacy requires you to be out of your fantasy world and in this present moment.
I once dated a guy who told me he loved me. He had a great life and everything that goes with it: a gentle heart, a sense of humor, health, looks, athleticism, a great career, a nice home, loving loyal friends. But whenever we got together, he was either stoned or on his way to being stoned.
I finally said to him, "Man, what is your deal? You have this great life but you can't seem to really show up for it. When are you going to decide to be here? And while you're thinking about that, it won't be on my time or my dime. I want a man who is emotionally available."
And what I was really declaring to the universe is my willingness to be emotionally available.
I was with my former husband for 10 years. We had a profoundly loving connection that eventually required both of us to move apart from one another to continue on our life purpose journeys. We are still in each others' lives and likely will be for the rest of our lives. Our love is intact. Real love never dies, it just changes shape.
So while I crave a true connection with a man, I cannot deny the love and intimacy I've known. For me, it is the scariest and most thrilling experience available. Perhaps for someone else that thrilling experience is skydiving (or kink!), but that seems minor compared with opening my heart, really letting someone see all of me and vice versa.
If love is something you desire more of in your life, how intimate are you willing to be with yourself? Do you see your part in the success and failure of your relationships? Are you willing to become the lover you wish to find, whether single or in a relationship?
As you may know, your fingerprints never change. These fingerprints reveal your Life School, Life Purpose and Life Lesson. As I am in the School of Love and my Life Lesson is emotional authenticity, this journey for me is about creating emotional clarity so that I can experience unconditional love for myself and others.
I don't always succeed, and at times I downright fail. However, the moments of connection available to me now, with family, friends, co-workers, dancers on the dance floor and master mind members in the boardroom are often as deep as those I've experienced in the bedroom. I attribute this to my increased capacity to love myself.
I really like my body now, finally, after all these years. I finally respect my mind, my time and my skill sets. When I have feelings, I now do my best to feel them and express them in the moment and appropriately. I am learning to be a better listener and hold space for the thoughts and emotions of others. I am learning, I am learning.
As I love all of me, every bit of me, I am able to allow in the love and support of others.
As for attracting emotionally unavailable men, it's clear to me now that this will cease when I am emotionally available again. After my divorce, I was such an emotional wreck, I didn't even feel what was happening. I was in total shock. Now, nearly three years later, I am able to feel the loss and feel my desire for partnership again.
The greatest love story of all is the one you have with yourself because when you love yourself, you attract all that is for your highest good.
To YOUR Purpose—it's in YOUR Hands (nobody else's!),
This article was originally published at yourpurpose.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.