If we think about the many people engaging in affairs, one pattern that is common in these encounters is that the people involved have to plan their sexual interactions. So why is the planned scheduled sex time so often hot for people in those scenarios, but not hot for two people living together fitting time into their calendars. One reason, is that people who really feel like they can’t have sex whenever they want, tend to look forward to it as something special. They may fantasize throughout the week, prepare for it in some way, primp to look and feel attractive and sexy.
Also, with clear external reasons getting in the way of sex, it actually can make it easier to show that you are making sex a priority. Let’s face it, no one is going to feel good about scheduling sex with someone who is clearly preferring to watch Real Housewives than make time for sex. If scheduling sex begins to feel like a battle or power play, then it will probably not increase your sex drive.
So make your scheduled sex time something to look forward to by planning enough time and privacy to feel relaxed and so that you can connect. Think about it throughout the week, what will you wear to feel sexy? What new thing might you like to try or talk about? Remind each other that you are looking forward to spending sexual time together, so that when it is that time in the week you already feel like the sexual interaction has started. And be mindful of the message you are sending when you sit down with your partner to pick a time that will work. Take time before to look at your schedule on your own and decide what times you can clear and what events you may need to give up to create time for your sexual relationship. Don’t make this your partner’s problem, be ready to offer some times up without treating it like a big compromise.
Remember waiting and planning ahead can be sexy, if you make it sexy.
Melissa Fritchle, LMFT is a Holistic Psychotherapist, Sex Therapist and Gender Specialist in private practice in Capitola, California. She is also a vibrant sex educator and writer who speaks to people about positive sexuality and relationships worldwide.